Spiralling About New Job on Monday

I am in the middle of graduating and am starting a real career-past grown-up job on Monday
  1. I could feel the spiral coming on while preparing dinner
    I got in one of my cleaning-up moods and pushed my fiancé away emotionally.
  2. I didn't want to cuddle when we watched two episodes of Sopranos after dinner
  3. instead, I frantically googled stuff
    "how to first day of work"
  4. after, when fiancé and puppy went out for evening walk, I cleaned some more
  5. at least I managed to take off my make-up
    and try out my new moisturiser. facial products ground me a lot of the time
  6. not this time
  7. no.
  8. I tidied the boxes in the bathroom
    mental note to clean it tomorrow
  9. as if a mental note would suffice during a spiral
  10. I went to the kitchen and made three separate to do lists
  11. first one: stuff to do tomorrow (Sunday)
    it's a lot of small stuff that I normally wouldn't have to write down like clean bath, sort washing, watch SNL
  12. second list: stuff for the coming week
    drugstore, shopping, wedding stuff, what to sell on the Internet
  13. third list: how I should structure my Monday morning:
    get up, shower, moisturise, get dressed, put on make-up, make bed, comb hair, tidy up, have breakfast, have coffee, pack lunch, get Kong filled, hide Kong
  14. let's go on a quick tangent about my first work lunch
    I dont know how they do lunch also I have never worked anywhere that many hours that there even was a lunch break so how does it work??? I can't just show up with a sandwich! I'm packing two granola bars and an apple to probably eat in the bathroom, let's be honest, because eating in front of new people is not a thing I do.
  15. back to the spiral, shall we?
  16. I also prepared my breakfast for tomorrow
    soaked oats. I normally have egg-based dishes on Sunday's but they are too leisurely to someone who is obsessing and spiralling so I planned for soaked oats, smoothie and half a grapefruit
  17. I took some melatonin
    I seldom take sleep aids. on this occasion it seemed necessary.
  18. I went to bed with my audiobook
    @SaraJBenincasa 's Agorafabulous! which I just adore. while willing myself to fall asleep with meditative breathing, my skin felt electric and again I could not stomach being touched
  19. I fell asleep
  20. aaaaaah.......
  21. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  22. 5 am
    I wake up
  23. straight up spiralling again
  24. electric skin
  25. picking at my face
  26. applying new moistrizer
  27. list app
  28. audiobook
  29. breathe
  30. breathe
  31. breathe