HOW TO BE DRUNK AND ANGRY

  1. When!
  2. The guy you're sort of dating!
  3. But not actually dating!
  4. Runs into you at a comedy show!
  5. And you find a sly way to ask him if you can stay at his place tonight!
  6. Because the show is in San Francisco and you live in Oakland!
  7. And he says yes!
  8. And then three hours later!
  9. At actual midnight!
  10. He decides he wants to stay out longer!
  11. So if you want to sleep anything close to a normal amount of sleep!
  12. You should go back to Oakland!
  13. From 6th and market!
  14. Which is not a great place to be walking!
  15. When you are three feet tall!
  16. And primed to get murdered!
  17. You should FIRST
  18. CONTINUE TO GET DRUNK.
  19. AND FLIRT HEAVILY WITH ANOTHER COMIC
  20. IN FRONT OF HIM.
  21. And then SECOND
  22. ALLOW A THIRD COMIC TO WALK YOU TO BART
  23. BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT GET ALL THE WAY MURDERED.
  24. BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK.
  25. And then THIRD
  26. TEXT HIM ABOUT WHY HIS BEHAVIOR IS BULLSHIT.
  27. And then FOURTH
  28. Read his response so that your iPhone, which has read receipts enabled, can let him know he fucked up.
  29. And then FIFTH
  30. Decline to respond and instead listen to Beyoncé furiously.
  31. TELL HIM, "BOY, BYE."