HOW TO HAVE A COLD

  1. Tell everyone you know that I am dying, and refuse help offered.
    I have the nicest friends in the world and I will not let them help me.
  2. Drink an absurd amount of tangerine juice.
    Like, more than any one person should consume in three days.
  3. Work from home for a full week.
    My job straight up does not care if I work from home, but I still tell my coworkers that I will try to come in the next day every day. This promise lasts until I wake up and feel like death.
  4. Drink hot water with lemon and honey all the time.
  5. Soups!
    I hate soup.
  6. Take like three showers a day.
    Sorry, drought, this is the only thing that makes me feel better.
  7. Online shopping spree
    The only other thing that makes me feel better.
  8. Call mom, tell her I am dying.
    She is not very sympathetic. My friends are much nicer than my mom.
  9. Take one million zincs.
  10. Google how much zinc a person should ingest, be incapable of doing math, decide this is another way I am dying.
  11. Tell roommates about illness and impending death, as they have not yet noticed.
    They haven't yet noticed because even at peak physical health, I frequently wear long underwear as pants.
  12. Run out of lemons.
  13. Die.