HOW TO MEET PEOPLE

In the potential-sex-partner kind of way
  1. 1.
    Stay in apartment, stare out the window
    at the handsome man you refer to as "your husband" and the other guy on the balcony across from you, who is your husband's live-in boyfriend.
  2. 2.
    Get a searchlight, make a bat-signal but instead of a bat it's in the shape of your crotch.
    This works especially well in the Bay Area, due to fog.
  3. 3.
    Stand outside your apartment for 10 minutes a day, yell "WOULD ANYONE LIKE TO HOLD HANDS?" once per minute.
  4. 4.
    After three weeks of working up the nerve, have an actual conversation with the dreamy fish man at the farmers market. Tell him how much cod The Rock eats every day (32 ounces!!) and then keep talking about it despite his clear lack of interest in that tidbit.
    Ok but let's just think about this for a minute. That's like, one of the big Nalgene bottles full of cod. Just cod! And he eats so much more non-cod food throughout the day, too! I just don't understand why cod and not any other fish, and how he manages to put that much away. (I get it, he's a bodybuilder and my puny body/brain can't comprehend that lifestyle but it's something I think about at least once a day.) That's so much cod.
  5. 5.
    Hide. Always hide.
  6. 6.
    "Casually" mention to tier-2 friends how your prospects have been pretty slim lately and then change the subject immediately because you're worried you sound like a desperate nerd.
  7. 7.
    ListApp
    (I am lying.)