HUMBLEBRAGS I'VE MADE THIS WEEK

Hiiiiiii I hate myself!!
  1. "I switched my birth control and now my sports bras are choking me out."
    Double header there, so to speak: my bigger boobs are impacting all the fitness I do. None of my other garments have affected my life since I got chestier, since my preferred shirts have the shape and texture of potato sacks, and my non-fitness bras are more present in theory than in practice (shoutout to Gap Body for making what are essentially training bras in adult sizes) but Bonnie and Clyde are suffocated every time I go to yoga.
  2. "I was a jackass in college because professors never held me accountable."
    REMEMBER WHEN I WROTE MY WHOLE THESIS IN ONE DAY AND IT WON AN AWARD? I do and I'll never shut up about it!
  3. "When I had long hair, people assumed I was stupid."
    Meaning, when I was more conventionally attractive, I was SO DANG ATTRACTIVE that people assumed I wasn't bright. I'm not sure that that's true but I am sure I had great hair.
  4. "I don't date that much because everyone who's shown interest in me is terrible."
    That's not even TRUE, my most recent ex is a delight, but mostly I just get deeply offended when anyone hits on me because that means that they assume that they have a chance with me. They do not, nobody is on my level, I'm celestial.
  5. "Everyone who shares my interests is a horrifying pervert."
    Maybe the takeaway there shouldn't be, "I am better than the people who like what I like." Maybe the takeaway should be, "I am also a horrifying pervert."
  6. "I have no idea how I got so much done before I knew I had ADHD."
    And now that I'm medicated, I can literally fly!