I GOT DRUNK AND BOUGHT SOME TINY PEOPLE ONLINE

  1. This is Reginuld.
    He went by Reggie when he was younger but now feels like it lacks the gravitas he wants to put out into the world.
  2. This is Nedward.
    He prides himself on his chili recipe, which his wife Deb privately describes as "unnecessarily hostile to the senses."
  3. This is Jannifer.
    She can never find her fucking keys.
  4. This is Randy.
    He likes to party.
  5. This is Grenadine.
    She likes to feed the birds in the park, but only some of them. The rest of the birds are dicks.
  6. This is Helena
    She only uses a landline because she lost her phone charger, so her uncharged phone has been sitting in the junk drawer for eight months.
  7. These are Frenq and Charlie.
    They just met.
  8. This is Tunk.
    He feels like a GODDAMN king in his gold vest.
  9. This is Gartrude.
    She's not a nun, she just dresses like that to get out of speeding tickets.
  10. This is Otis.
    He has made love to every single one of your grandparents and would do it again.
  11. This is Derrack.
    He wants up.
  12. This is Little Lord Fauntleroy.
    He doesn't think it's weird that he still goes by that at the age of 46.
  13. These are Jazz and Jazz Jr.
    They just had a contentious game of frisbee but they've agreed not to talk about it anymore.
  14. This is Esthra.
    She hates you.