MY TONSILS WERE TRYING TO FULL-ON KILL ME: A TIMELINE

The last few days have been Very Not Fun
  1. 1:30pm, Tuesday, March 29th.
    Ugh, my throat feels kind of bad. I'm not into this. Am I getting a cold? That would suck.
  2. 2:19 pm
    Text other Mary who sometimes goes to open mics with me to tell her I can't make it out tonight, that this feels a bit like strep and I hope it isn't that because I used to get strep all the time and it's "annoying to deal with".
  3. 3:30 pm
    OKAY OW. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN SO FAST? I'MA CALL THE ADVICE NURSE RULL QUICK. Advice nurse tells me I could just walk in for a strep test before 5pm, but I just ordered delivery pho and I don't think I could get there and back in time so I'll just wait until tomorrow.
  4. 5:39 pm
    Text the person who I am sleeping with but not dating that I might have strep throat so, keep an eye out for that and I really hope this is a false alarm because I don't want him to get sick before the show he's hosting on Thursday because I'm a sexual terrorist but not like that.
  5. 8:00 pm
    Is this what dying feels like? I think I might be dying.
  6. 9:00pm - 4:00 am Wednesday, March 30th
    OKAY NO THIS WAS ALL A BAD IDEA. I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT STREP TEST BEFORE THE OFFICE CLOSED AND I SHOULD HAVE EATEN AS MUCH AS I COULD YESTERDAY BECAUSE I CANNOT SWALLOW ANYTHING ANYMORE AND ALSO THERE ARE CHILLS AND I CAN'T SLEEP AT ALL I CAN JUST THRASH AND DROOL.
  7. 5:18 am
    Call advice nurse again to get hours I can walk in for a strep test. Only cry a little bit.
  8. 8:28 am
    One of my coworkers heard that I am sick and probably dying so he sent me an imgur link to literally 450 pictures of dogs. This person is my hero.
  9. 8:30 am
    Call cab to take me to doctor's office even though it's walkable and even though I usually do that walk whenever I need to pick up prescriptions or anything. Right now I can still barely talk, but can't swallow anything, even my own saliva, without yelping in pain every time. I get the strep test done, and when the RN tells me they don't have the rapid test, only the one that takes over 24 hours, I start crying more than the usual amount. She tells me to quadruple my normal ibuprofen intake.
  10. 9:15 am
    Call my mom, sobbing. She threatens to fly over here and beat some doctors up which is not at all helpful for many reasons. I understand that it's not the nurses' or doctors' faults they don't have the rapid test, but that doesn't mean I'm NOT crying in the stairwell of Kaiser right now. And still drooling a lot too.
  11. 9:47 am
    Call mom on the walk from the shuttle to my house, crying again. She can only talk for 2 minutes so I'm left crying at strangers for the rest of my walk home. Everyone avoids eye contact, which is my one relief.
  12. 10:00 am ish
    Text everyone I know that I am fully dying and that they need to honor my wishes to be lowered into the ground to "Too Close" by Next and I'm not joking at all.
  13. 1:27 pm
    Call dentist to cancel appointment for the next day. By this point I can just barely talk.
  14. 1:42 pm
    Call advice nurse AGAIN, crying AGAIN. Tell them I understand that I can't really do anything until the strep test comes back positive but I am completely sure it is strep and I am also in SO MUCH PAIN, OH MY GOD. She tells me that I can make a phone appointment with a doctor who can prescribe me something over the phone (?????? Not one person mentioned that to me before) so I thank her, and the earliest appointment is 4:40pm.
  15. 2:00 pm
    Call mom, crying.
  16. 2:30 pm
    Text my friends that I am NOT JOKING ABOUT "TOO CLOSE". Death is VERY NEAR and I need to feel confident that my wishes will be honored.
  17. 4:40 pm
    Doctor calls me, I can barely speak and am (guess what) STILL CRYING. He asks why I'm so sure it's strep and I rattle off all the relevant symptoms which I have. (I fudge a bit about the pus on the back of my throat; I'm sure it's there but the RN from 8:30 was the only person to actually examine my throat and she didn't give me a rundown of what she saw). Doctor Rx's me penicillin which I can pick up at 5:30.
  18. 4:55 pm
    Friend texts me, legitimately concerned after all my talk of death and how it's coming for me. I tell her about the doctor/penicillin situation and worry about the shuttle getting me there on time and she tells me to stop being an idiot and that she'll drive me. She is the most "mom" of all my friends and I love her deeply.
  19. 5:15 pm
    My friend picks me up in her parents' minivan which she'd borrowed for the day. I hop in with my bag, which contains my water bottle, wallet, keys, and a huge thing of antibacterial wipes because I'm scared of exposing anyone to this. I feel like at this point you can just assume that I'm crying during any interaction I have with another person but just to be clear: I was crying.
  20. 5:30 pm
    My friend picks up my Rx for me so I can sit in the minivan, further cementing her mom status. I text her the whole time thanking her and also letting her know that I am still all the way dying. She texts me back the horse emoji twelve times.
  21. 6:00 pm
    Armed with penicillin and soup, I am driven home by my actual angel of a friend. I make some of that soup and choke down as much of it as I can before I take the antibiotics (Doctor said I sounded so bad I should double my first dosage) along with the probiotics I still had on hand from the last time I got a UTI.
  22. 8:00 pm - 4:00 am Thursday, March 31st
    NOPE, NOTHING IS BETTER, EVERYTHING IS WORSE, I NOW MAKE LOUD PAIN SOUNDS EVERY TIME I NEED TO SWALLOW AND CANNOT EAT ANY FOOD AT ALL, IN THE SLIGHTEST. CANNOT DRINK WATER. CAN ONLY CRY AND DROOL.
  23. 6:00 am
    Take second dose of penicillin in the hopes that it will kickstart some sort of healing.
  24. 11:30 am
    Call advice nurse again, explain full situation while crying, need to verify my phone number 800 times despite the fact that I clearly cannot speak at all, am told that I should come into the office again for a full examination at 2:50 pm.
  25. 11:35 am to 2:45 pm
    I am only tears and drool and I am unsurprisingly dehydrated.
  26. 2:50 pm
    Armed with a notepad and a pen, I go into the doctor's office. I've pre-written on the pad, "I have a 2:50 appointment with Dr. So-and-so." The receptionist nods, takes my insurance card, and writes down the copay for me. I smile and try to sign that I can hear, I just can't speak right now but he continues to write things down for me in a very nice way.
  27. 2:52 pm
    I have written a new note for the RN who takes my blood pressure and weighs me: "I can't talk right now because it hurts, but I can hear you." This goes over very well but he still speaks to me like I have a serious learning disability. I don't care at all, but it is interesting how people's attitudes change when one of the major faculties isn't there anymore.
  28. 2:55 pm
    Doctor comes in, I am not yet crying. She's the first person to treat me like I'm me, but the version of me who can't talk (we have never met before). She's frustrated on my behalf of all the hoops I had to jump through just to get a legitimate consult. I am calmed.
  29. 2:56 pm
    She does a full examination of my throat and is horrified. She tells me she has never seen tonsils this swollen before. "These are, like, ridiculously enormous." She calls in 2 other doctors to gawk at me. I am exhausted and sad but feel weirdly vindicated that three doctors are shocked I can still breathe. At this point I am crying a little.
  30. 3:00 pm
    She begs me to try to sip water because I'm clearly dehydrated. (My notepad, in response: "EVERYTHING HURTS." She nods thoughtfully and says, "Yes, but try.") She also tells me she's prescribing me steroids, a stronger antibiotic, and numbing mouthwash so that I can hopefully get all that down and some food in me so I don't vomit and make everything worse.
  31. 3:10 pm
    She calls down the prescriptions and also makes me promise that I will set up a phone appointment for the next day (I point to my notebook and she corrects herself to ask me to email instead) and that if even ONE of my symptoms gets worse I need to go to the ER immediately to get an emergency tonsillectomy which I very much do not want.
  32. 3:15 pm
    Apparently I need a pharmacist's consult for my drugs. She tells me not to take the steroids until tomorrow because they might keep me up and I "look like I can use some rest." She's lucky I'm still mute, and plus my doctor told me not only to take the steroids tonight, but to take the full day's dosage (6 pills) at once because my tonsils are OUT OF CONTROL.
  33. 3:30 pm
    I am sent on my merry way with a ton of drugs and essentially no ability to swallow them. I haven't really ingested anything other than pills in days by now and I am feeling generally terrible. I force down a few spoonfuls of applesauce, try the numbing mouthwash but do it wrong and my tongue is the only part that gets numb, and take all the steroid pills and 2 horse pills of amoxicillin. This feels Bad.
  34. 3:50 pm
    Okay my stomach is also dying now. I couldn't physically ingest any more applesauce but now I am paying for that weakness.
  35. 4:30 pm
    I still do not feel better and I'm worried I will have to have surgery the next day. I'm freaking out.
  36. 4:35 pm
    I nap.
  37. 5:00 pm to 11:00 pm
    Naps on and off, then I finally fall fully asleep for the first time since Monday.
  38. 6:00 am, Friday, April 1st
    I CAN SWALLOW MY OWN SALIVA WITHOUT CRYING. I CAN'T TALK OR EAT SOLID FOOD, BUT I'M NOT DROOLING AS MUCH. I probably though not definitely don't need surgery! Dr. So-and-so is the love of my life.
  39. 7:00 am
    Make this list in celebration, then I will take another nap.