I am an interesting conversationalist!
  1. "Why haven't I seen you in so long??"
    "I don't think you understand how time consuming it is keeping my mustache in check."
  2. "How are you?"
    "TERRIBLE but I don't want to talk about it!"
  3. "What do you think of [divisive public comedy person, generally a woman]?"
    "I do not want to answer that question because I have a lot of opinions, but I only want to share them when they're unasked for and completely unwarranted. Do not probe, you don't deserve to hear it if you have to ask."
  4. "Oh, you love TV? What's your favorite TV show?"
    "Antiques Roadshow, by a landslide! I watch every TV show and generally like smart scripted comedies, but in terms of what I want to be watching at any given moment, it's Antiques Roadshow every time."
  5. "Why don't you drink as much anymore?"
    "Because when I drink, I can't stop talking about Antiques Roadshow."
  6. "You had a dream about me?"
    "Yes, you almost died."
  7. "What have you been up to?"
    "I haven't really left my apartment since I realized that PBS puts the episodes of Antiques Roadshow online."
  8. "If you hate dating so much, why do you go on dates?"
    "I've been taught to think that I need to trick someone into promising to love me forever before I inevitably succumb to Irish Mom Body."