NORMAL QUESTIONS AND MY INAPPROPRIATE ANSWERS TO THEM
I am an interesting conversationalist!
- •"Why haven't I seen you in so long??""I don't think you understand how time consuming it is keeping my mustache in check."
- •"How are you?""TERRIBLE but I don't want to talk about it!"
- •"What do you think of [divisive public comedy person, generally a woman]?""I do not want to answer that question because I have a lot of opinions, but I only want to share them when they're unasked for and completely unwarranted. Do not probe, you don't deserve to hear it if you have to ask."
- •"Oh, you love TV? What's your favorite TV show?""Antiques Roadshow, by a landslide! I watch every TV show and generally like smart scripted comedies, but in terms of what I want to be watching at any given moment, it's Antiques Roadshow every time."
- •"Why don't you drink as much anymore?""Because when I drink, I can't stop talking about Antiques Roadshow."
- •"You had a dream about me?""Yes, you almost died."
- •"What have you been up to?""I haven't really left my apartment since I realized that PBS puts the episodes of Antiques Roadshow online."
- •"If you hate dating so much, why do you go on dates?""I've been taught to think that I need to trick someone into promising to love me forever before I inevitably succumb to Irish Mom Body."