ON HAVING A LOW GRADE ANXIETY ATTACK ONSTAGE

This just happened!
  1. So I have written here about my anxiety and how annoying it is.
    I don't feel like digging up the list links, but they're there, I promise.
  2. And also about how I do standup comedy.
    See above note.
  3. And tonight was my second night doing open mics after taking the most time off I'd taken in months.
    Two full weeks is a long time when you're this new.
  4. Which my brain decided to celebrate by going COMPLETELY HAYWIRE.
  5. A stranger had talked to me too close to my face.
    That always sets me off, especially when it's a man (which was the case tonight).
  6. One of my friends noticed I was on edge but not enough to tell me I should go home.
    I know it's hard to tell sometimes, but if you have a friend with my kind of broken brain and you know them well enough to pick up on the warning signs, you can maybe suggest that they go home when they start exhibiting those signs. I really appreciate it when my friends do.
  7. So I knew my spot was #6
    That same friend had signed me up because I was too wrapped up in myself to notice when the list went out, despite the fact that when the signup list goes out at an open mic, everyone loses their whole shit. I wasn't great tonight, is what I'm saying.
  8. And at #5 I realized, this is FOR SURE HAPPENING, RIGHT NOW.
    "This" meaning an anxiety attack.
  9. So I didn't really have any other option besides just, going up onstage and telling the jokes I'd planned.
    While shaking and sweating profusely.
  10. And it went... surprisingly well?
    One of the few non-comic audience members gave me a high five after?
  11. I don't really remember what I said.
    Forgot to record myself because I was too busy actively dying.
  12. But then instead of going home and panicking in peace right after, I sat down and wrote a bit about it to tell at the open mic tomorrow.
    Or the show I'm on on Friday. Or the show I'm hosting on Monday. Or the show I'm on next Friday. Ya gurl's racking up credits.
  13. Because I'm a LUNATIC.
  14. But I'm glad I didn't die.
    I felt like I would!
  15. And now I am quietly sweating at home trying to go to sleep so I can wake up early to get my actual job-work done before I have a meeting at the venue I'll be cohosting at on Monday.
  16. Comedy is going to kill me.
  17. Goodnight.