SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS OF MINE

  1. Hopelessness
  2. Definitely not that thing you're into
  3. Severely lowered standards once the trains stop running and I don't have a place to stay
  4. That thing when you're hungry but the fridge is far away so you take a nap instead
  5. Theoretical succubus
  6. Solely attracted to Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park but also repulsed by the fact that he's now married to someone roughly my age
  7. Generalized scowling
  8. Stress eczema
  9. Contempt for people out of my league