TODAY IN NEWS THAT EVERYONE SAW COMING.

  1. I don't have to come up with more ridiculous terms. WHAT TO CALL THE PERSON I HOLD HANDS WITH EXCLUSIVELY WHO IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND
    But I probably will anyway.
  2. BeCAUSE.
  3. We are boyfriends now.
    I drank a bottle of wine last night while playing bananagrams with him and his roommate and ended up first throwing all of my tiles at him and then having sloppy drunk sex and THEN saying, "You do not need to answer this now, because I know we have been drinking and also it's your birthday but I have been WONDERING if you would like to be boyfriends." And he said, "Yes! You're my boyfriend."
  4. Then we woke up this morning and didn't talk about it again so I assumed he was too drunk to remember that conversation.
    It was his birthday so, would've been understandable.
  5. Then I brought it up again and he had remembered, and mentioned that he'd been wondering the same thing because he wrote a joke (he also does standup, remember) in which he referred to me as his girlfriend and wanted to run it by me before telling it onstage.
    And I yelled, "OH so you're just tryna make me a girlfriend for the sake of simpler phrasing for your bits????" And he said that's not the case but I'm not sure I believe him.
  6. And when I was leaving his place today he said, "bye, new boyfriend!" And I instinctively went, "UGH, YIKES." Which was probably not the most comforting thing but I am not Great With Communicating so that was about as good as that exchange was gonna get.
  7. (Hey @Life0fRyley you said you were invested in this so peep dis list. I'm a hypocrite.)
  8. And also the girl I've had a crush on for years is finally single and hitting on me because nothing can ever be easy and I'm the worst aspirational lesbian in the world.