WHAT I SAID TO INANIMATE OBJECTS THIS WEEK

  1. "Excuse me, excuse me!"
    To the items in my purse I shuffled around while looking for my phone.
  2. "Not today, Satan."
    To the gym as I walked past it.
  3. "🎶Why you gotta be so ruuuuuude🎶"
    To the Yelp page that told me the bike place is closed on Sundays.
  4. "Look at you! So nice! I'm so excited to eat you!"
    To a quesadilla.
  5. "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
    To my wifi router.
  6. "You complete me."
    To a particularly good nectarine.
  7. "CALIFORNIA IS ENTIRELY BULLSHIT."
    To a picture of a bagel.