WHOEVER PITCHED THE SONG "TOO CLOSE" BY NEXT

Still the only song I want played at my funeral.
  1. "So there's this guy, right?"
    Yes, that checks out.
  2. "And he has a boner!"
    Oh okay, just diving right in. Is this a metaphorical boner? Is it alluded to in a low-key manner?
  3. "He has so much of a boner that the song actually has the spoken word intro, 'I wonder if she can tell that I'm hard right now?'"
    No subtlety, then. I guess that's a valid choice. Also, I feel like it's not a good thing if she can't tell you're hard? Unless I'm missing something, shouldn't that mean you have a fairly small penis? If you have a monster dong and you're hard, I don't think you'd have to wonder if anyone's aware.
  4. "When he has this boner, he's dancing in a club with a sexy lady!"
    I guess this is a teen club. Because there is no way he's older than fifteen.
  5. "And then there's a hook, sung from the perspective of that sexy lady!"'
    Presumably like, "ew!" right?
  6. "She's all like, back the fuck up, I can literally feel your boner."
    That sounds about right.
  7. "And he's just like, whatever, can't help it, gonna keep waving my dick around this club."
    NOPE.
  8. "The dancing is so hot that it's like they're SEXING!"
    I mean, I get that, but it's also like they're two adults in public definitely not having sex, wearing all their clothes. They are dancing. So, it's more like they're dancing, in that respect.
  9. "He's all like, verbatim, 'I want you so bad, sexually!'"
    Ah, yes, the way that human adults speak to each other. "My appendage is engorged with blood! SEX BLOOD!"
  10. "And this song is gonna fuckin' RESONATE. It's gonna get to the top of the Billboard charts! It's gonna be one of the biggest hits of '97 AND '98!"
    I'll go ahead and have security escort you out.
  11. IMPORTANT UPDATE: During brunch with @ariannastern this song came on RIGHT after we sat down and it is so cosmically important.