Some of My First Dates

I've had a few and most were bad.
  1. Birch Aquarium
    He criticized my taste in music on the way to the aquarium. Talked about himself the entire date. And, in the parking lot, asked for my friend's phone number because he thought my friend could help him get Ecstasy. He walked me to my door and stood there like Gaston did with Belle in Beauty and the Beast, trying to invite himself in.
  2. Polite Provisions
    She paid for my drinks and we talked about our writing. We walked around the neighborhood for 2 hours. She took me to my car and kissed me on the cheek. I kicked myself for not kissing her.
  3. The Cheesecake Factory
    He asked me out after I bought his piano. He was studying for the GMAT so I assumed he was a student but when he started talking about his career, it was clear he was much older than me. I yelled "JESUS CHRIST HOW OLD ARE YOU?" He was 42. I was 23. Suddenly his choice of the Cheesecake Factory for our first date made a lot of sense.
  4. Torrey Pines Gliderport
    I took a lot of people here in college. But, it felt different with him. We walked to the cliffs edge in the dark (very unsafe); he told me he was scared and I laughed. He was always scared of things that never frightened me.
  5. Cantina Mayahuel
    He was a massage therapist who recently returned from living with a Wicca coven for 2 years in the woods in Alpine. He had really good posture and was a tequila connoisseur...or at least he acted like it. He worked out the tension in my shoulders and then put his hand up my skirt. He was fascinating and but also entirely full of shit.
  6. The Living Room
    He was a doctoral fellow at UCSD. I showed up drunk. He paid for my peppermint hot chocolate and told me I was prettier than my pictures. I leaned over the table, replied with "Wait til you see my tits." and then tried to talk to him about his research. I would say this was my bad but also I don't care because I soberly discovered he was a self important racist piece of shit on our next date.
  7. Balboa Park
    Our date lasted 5 hours-- dinner, drinks, and a night walk through the park. He was feeling a little sick and I joked that it meant he wouldn't get a kiss. I was being facetious. We kissed and it was magic. Also, I made him laugh so hard that he farted. My dad told me recently that he and my mom's first date was at Balboa Park, and I think there's something really poetic about that coincidence. You know, besides the farting.