Thoughts During the Most Miserable Yoga Experience of My Entire Fucking Life

Today I went to a yoga class. I hated it with every fiber of my being.
  1. Yay! Yoga! I missed this!
  2. Oh. It is HOT in here.
  3. Unnaturally hot.
  4. Seriously, I have been to this class multiple times and it has never been this hot. What gives?
  5. Cool story about your life and forgiving yourself, Yoga Instructor. I barely care. I didn't come here to make friends. I am here to work.
  6. Wow, Lauren. Try guiding your practice with more grace and peace.
  7. Serious yogi with a Lululemon ohm shirt to my left. Ripped Adonis to my right. This is going to be great for my self esteem.
  8. Heart rate going up, seems fine.
  9. Sweat soaking my mat towel, seems fine.
  10. Is heat exhaustion the one where you have an elevated heart rate and high temperature or is that heat stroke?
  11. I'm trying to do these flows but my feet literally can't grip my mat because it is covered in sweat.
  12. Should I stay in here and risk death or go outside and be a colossal wuss?
  13. Tree pose? But do trees grow in hell?
  14. I think I might die here.
  15. Scratch that. I am already dead and this is hell.
  16. More like Downward Facing Cerberus
  17. MY BOOB SWEAT DRIPPED INTO MY EYE HELP I AM BLIND
  18. I AM BLIND AND CRYING
  19. Imma just play this off with some child's pose fuck yeah
  20. How long have I been in child's pose? I just had a fever dream about diving into an oasis.
  21. Adonis just sighed and muttered Nope and left the room to get some air.
  22. Serious yogi has been in child's pose for longer than me. It's obviously not just me feeling this ridiculous heat.
  23. The teacher just informed the 3 of us that the corner of the room I am in is 5 degrees hotter than the rest of the room.
  24. I'M SORRY. YOU TOOK THE FIRST 5 MINUTES OF CLASS TO DISCUSS HOW YOU PERSONALLY NEEDED TO BE KINDER TO YOURSELF BUT COULDN'T BOTHER TO TELL US THAT WE SHOULD MOVE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM??
  25. "Breathe out everything you don't need." ALL I HAVE IN ME IS HATE AND RAGE FOR YOU WHO ALMOST KILLED TWO PHYSICALLY FIT HUMANS AND ALSO ME. AND I NEED ALL THAT HATE AND RAGE TO FUEL MY SURVIVAL
  26. "Namaste." FUCK YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.