What Exactly Is Keeping Me From Being an Artist
I just got a job offer. (lol remember when I was just complaining about getting rejected from a job?) It has nothing to do with comedy. I am listening to Amy Poehler's audiobook on this road trip with my boyfriend and it is equal parts inspiring and terrifying because aside from the motherhood/divorce I feel like it's my origin story.
- •Fear of not actually being good enoughI'm mostly confident. But like "this is my hobby that I am uncommonly good at" confident not "this is my art and livelihood"confident.
- •Fear of being poorI've been there as a kid. I don't want to be that again if I can help it.
- •Fear of failing/rejectionThere are plenty of people who are good, brilliant even. And they don't "make it"- as in they are financially independent writing for more than a hobby.
- •Fear of not finding "my people"Since graduating from college, I have not yet been able to find people I can improvise with as well as my college team and believe me I've been trying. I have improvised with all sorts of teams in San Diego and haven't found a good fit. Maybe I'm picky or maybe I just don't want my intro sound cue to be Me So Horny (wish I were making that up) or typecast in scenes because that defeats the whole fucking point of improv doesn't it? I am tired of trying and failing to find my people.
- •Fear of leaving my comfort zone aka where I am mostly sure I could succeed in a conventional senseI know I'm in the minority here but I don't think I'm cut out for LA or Chicago or New York. To commit to this comedy thing, I think, would mean moving to any of those places. @minirachel had a great step by step list about moving to NY. I don't know if I want to take those steps. I know I'm good at social media and marketing (whatever that means). I could absolutely make a comfortable life like this. But how important is being comfortable to me?
- •Fear of lack of acceptanceI'm chubby. I'm Filipino. I'm a woman. I'm bisexual. I know I should be thinking "Why Not Me?" a la Mindy and I do for most things...for some bullshit reason; comedy is the exception.
- •Fear of being wrongWhat if I move and try and do it all, and it ends up being wrong? I don't know exactly what I mean by that BUT WHAT IF I AM WRONG ABOUT THIS.
- •I feel weak and stupid for letting this fear get the better of me. I wish I had something pithy to wrap this up with or could say with absolute certainty that laying this all out there will keep me accountable for my dreams/career and you will soon find me detailing my new comedy life via ListApp. I can't promise that.
- •Yes, I am whining and yes I am scared. And yes, I am not getting any younger so I need to shit or get off the hilarious pot. The possibility is as terrifying as it is exhilarating. But, will the regret of not SERIOUSLY trying be worse?
- •I don't know. If you have the ability to explore alternate universes, please let me know.