Has this ever happened to you? There's now a better way! With many thanks to the original article
  1. Don't know what to do with old newspapers and old shoes? Put your old shoes on top of old newspapers! If someone comments, just mumble and say "I knew you wouldn't get it" Be sure to be drunk to make this scenario extra awful
  2. Want to surprise your spouse? Do they like fresh-brewed coffee in the morning? Shatter all of their dreams. "Here!" You might say. "Have some fucking ground bread!"
  3. Use elmer's glue and a hair dryer on your hardwood floors. Tell your friends "my floor has ringworm because you don't believe in God" Wait for the apologies to flood in
  4. Child won't fall asleep? Use alcohol! Be sure to only lightly mist your baby in vodka. Never a straight shot. You wouldn't want to be irresponsible.
  5. Do this for absolutely no reason
  6. And this. Holiday centerpiece, anyone???
  7. Here are a couple of chairs for some reason
  8. "Mysterious" Mysterious, my ass. That's why my uncle isn't allowed over anymore
  9. Disappoint everyone! Cook a dish of water for 45 minutes at 350° Be sure to make a spectacle of yourself. "Mmmm. Something smells good" as you open the oven. After enough time has elapsed, dump the water down the sink and tell everyone to leave. They'll respect your moxie
  10. Why drink boring old water when you could drink soapy water instead? ‪#smart
  11. Name a spray bottle "the couch master" for some reason. Make poor life choices and explain "it's not my will. The couch master says it must be so"
  12. Sanitize your living space 8 times. Exactly 8. This will all make sense one day.
  13. Hurray! You've managed to cook the perfect turkey. VOILA!