1. What do you call a man with potassium on his soil cloth? -- Phillip
  2. What do you get if you cross a Caledonian Brown with a Chard? -- Horse-flies.
  3. My wife is so fat, her faeces has a resting PH of 8.4
  4. How do you make an onion tart? Dip it in sulphur and leave it out for the winter.
  5. What did the big onion say to the little onion? -- Do my gestational palps look fat in this?