here i go with that bullshit

dumb decisions in the past few months bc i'm never 100% done being an idiot
  1. impulsively driving to my friends house and stealing her shovel because she didn't pick up the phone when I wanted to hang out
    I then took it over to my other friends house and left it there. now my friends keep talking about the "sisterhood of the traveling shovel". idk why i do what i do
  2. peeing in public across from the washington monument on Obama's last day in office
    i wanted "to send a message". i also just like peeing. idk why i do what i do
  3. trying to take mirror pics of my butthole after letting a guy c*m in it
    he was like "it's that big of a moment to you" and, truthfully... yes. yes it is. i had no desire to talk to him after that. idk why i do what i do
  4. letting an old man rub a weird wand on my arms and hands
    i started vomiting afterwards all my friends were like "aw maybe you drank too much maybe it was the mall sushi" but NO I HAVE MEVER DONE THAT EVER IT WAS THE FUCKIN WAND HE CURSED ME
  5. accidentally drinking a bottle of wine with a nazi
    i still regret not curb stomping him
  6. falling asleep at the beginning of/before a threesome, leaving the couple to kind of fuck around me quietly so as not to wake me.
    work and an antidepressant i was trying out got the best of me. i'll cash the raincheck sometime soon.
  7. eating pad thai that broke me out, then finishing the plate bc delicious
  8. scamming a korean mob boss who owns the bar i frequent
    and still showing my face
  9. molly at the bar i frequent
    no? no. bad idea.
  10. asking a strange old man on a flight if he had any benzodiazepines
    he didn't. but we talked about tomato juice for a long time.
  11. impromptu tattoo of a switchblade resting under my tit (complete with shadow)
    i convinced one of my best friends to get "cyka", bitch in russian, under her butt when we got there. the guy who did it was flirting with me, but...no. i'm good.
  12. going out for drinks with my boss and not filing an HR complaint when he told me he likes to watch porn of black girls being dominated by white guys
    like??? ok???
  13. scratching one of my best friend's corneas at her job bc i was trying to throw a balled up dollar bill at her pussy while she was on stage
    we have this weird thing where no matter how well my aim is, i always end up hitting her in the face.
  14. the time i put a knife in my ***** instead of letting a bouncer hold it while i was inside of a club because???? idk??
  15. a crackhead asked me to fuck him in his tent and i didn't but that was some extreme bullshit
  16. driving 80+ while taking a selfie with my eyes closed
    bc i'm ready to die at all times
  17. dropping a bath bomb in my friends' toilet.
  18. giving advice about lube at my uncle's funeral
    can i @ who it was? is that allowed? i want them to be okay with it.
  19. have you ever mixed painkillers with cheap wine on an empty stomach????
    DONT.
  20. idk to be continued i am B.O.M.B.
    back on my bullshit