Moments I Wish I Could Have Paused So I Could Laugh at Myself

  1. Rugby match against penn state
    It was my first time playing, and I thought I could take out this 5'0" back. She bowled my ass over so hard, I spat my mouthpiece out
  2. When I almost cursed a girl out at the Freddy Gray protests for trying to take the sandwiches I was giving to the hungry and homeless so she could give them to the POLICE(???)
    I snatched my bag of sandwiches back and continued to feed those who weren't getting paid to be there.
  3. The times I almost slipped up and told someone "I love you" during sex because it was so 🔥💣🔥
    This happened twice. First time I corrected myself, turned around and kept saying "it. It. I love IT. Look at me. I said IT." The second time I just tried to babble over it, to cover it up. The damn idiot asked me if I was speaking in a different language and I was like "no, just keep goin."
  4. Trying to mediate between these two girls who both liked my friend... Right after he ate me out
    You ever seen two girls fight over a dude to the point where they're both in tears, and you look over at him and think about how you were sitting on his face less than twenty minutes before? It's worth the one way trip to hell you've booked by doing that.
  5. When the one guy at my internship overheard me say under my breath that I snorted cum
    It was in response to this one bro talking about how he had snorted so much bad shit in his life. I almost responded out loud. So glad I didn't,
  6. When I snorted cum
    I thought it was just all the spit I had on my face, so I thought it was safe to sniffle it while I wiped my face clean. It wasn't.
  7. When I got mad about not getting laid on Halloween and shattered a bus shelter ad on my way home
    I called my friend Patrick to ask if I could sleep over and play pretend in my succubus costume. He was the wrong Patrick (my Patrick played lacrosse and could throw me... This Patrick was scrawny as hell), I was the wrong Olive (he wanted this sorority girl, Olivia). Instead of calling me a cab, he shut the door on me and left me in the cold. I walked home and kicked a bus shelter ad and it broke into a million pieces. I still don't know how I got his number.
  8. When I tried to comfort my roommate about puking on a guy's dick
    "Olive, has this ever happened to you?" "No, honey, I traded my gag reflex for a horrible sense of judgement a very long time ago. Haven't regretted it yet."
  9. This guy got disturbed when he tried to out-dirty talk me, and I just kicked it up a notch
    ALL I SAID was that he could put his foot on my face while.... Never mind, I get it now. #2Freaky4MySelf
  10. The time I tried to get a Kanye 808s And Heartbreak Shag and ended up with a Boosie Fade
    I cried all night over that shit.