people i'll put on payroll

i'm planning for when i rule the world and no i don't want an assistant to do all of this my assistant has other tasks.
  1. professional lotioner
    would rub my body up after i get out the shower, and would do check ins through the day to make sure i'm not ashy
  2. cockfax researcher
    i need to know how the people i fuck are in bed before i fuck them
  3. squisher
    a big 6'-something dude that weighs at least 250 who will lay on top of me and squish me when i'm feeling the need for a little affection
  4. dragger
    i need to be dragged every now and then to stay humble and also stay on top of my shit @stars has already shown a proper portfolio for this so the position is filled
  5. booger checker
    having a septum is hard
  6. snacktician
    schedules when i eat throughout the day, figures out what i'm craving and what i need, also gets the new Migos chips for me
  7. apologizer
    writes apology letters and sends out of court settlement proposals for when i do shit like punching a girl's head into a pizza shop window and kicking a bus shelter ad until it shatters
  8. snake and bug handlers
    i need snakes and bugs around me at all times i love the little critters so much
  9. slime maker
    i also need slime around me at all times.
  10. foot plastic surgeon
    my toes need fillers that's all