Stories I Still Have to Tell You Guys

  1. The time a crackhead drove me to a motel room with my friend and I almost got kidnapped
  2. The time I punched that girl's head into a window
  3. The time someone put videos of me on 3 porn sites and then my mom's church members sent it to her on Easter
    It's not what you think.
  4. The time I drove two hours out of DC with an ounce of weed I "stole" from these finance bros
  5. The time I tipped the delivery boy in adderal
  6. The time my 4th grade teacher told me I'd never get married because I had poor penmanship and a powerful pee stream
    I learned how to do kegels and still write sloppily
  7. The time I went on a date with a 50 yr old man when I was 19 and drank a whole bottle of wine because he kept using outdated slang and pop culture references to make me more interested in him.
  8. The time I sold organic lollipops as fake edibles on Coney Island
  9. The time I tried my best not to be sick, so I drank enough codeine syrup that my orifices smelled minty and purple
    My ass smelled like a wintergreen lifesaver I swear to god.
  10. The time the interior architect accidentally flashed his jock strap while he was building the structure in my sister's room
  11. The time I had a red headed boy as my pet for a night.
  12. The time I was in a band with Paul Reed Smith's son and when he tried to talk to me after our performance, I kind of pushed past him.
  13. My vampire cousin.
  14. The time I was so in love with a metal head, I let him pierce my septum
    It's a lot wilder than it sounds
  15. The time I made a guy cum in his pants and ran back to my apartment then never texted him again
  16. The time I fractured my orbital bone babysitting a boy older than me
  17. The time I was accidentally kind of married to a Turkish lifeguard
  18. The time I ate a whole brownie for my birthday and had to leave my party because I was trippin
  19. The time I put a curse on a girl in kindergarten and she got into a car accident the next week
  20. I got more stories, but life comes at you fast and I made this forever ago, so here's what's to come when we launch!