The Most Important Moment I Wish I Could Have Paused So I Could Have Laughed at Myself

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS ONE
  1. This one time, I was with this guy I was "seeing"
  2. and he brought me watermelon flavored licorice ropes from one of those old Cracker Barrel-type stores you see on the main street of whatever small town he was visiting
    Sweet gesture right? He was a sweet guy.
  3. And we're eating the licorice and kissing each other all cute and stuff, nothing out of the ordinary
  4. And puts the bag of licorice under the pillow, and I'm like "okay, that's super lazy, the night stand's right there"
    But I tried to reason with myself like "nah, dude that's kind of a stretch, and he's probably tired from training today and he wants to save all that movement for the next however long we're going to be in this bed"
  5. So, we get into it, and everything is all good and I totally forgot about the licorice under the pillow.
  6. At one point, he's [redacted]ing me from the b*ck and he kind of pauses, and I hear a rustling
  7. and I'm thinkin "aw, yeah, he's gonna feed me licorice while we're doing it this is so cool I'm about to get the best of both worlds 💯💯💯🆒🙏🏽"
  8. And he takes a handful of the licorice and SMACKS ME ON THE ASS WITH IT AND IS LIKE... RUBBING IT IN MY BUTT
    And I just stop and say super loudly "UMMMMMM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
  9. AND THEN HE TRIES TO TAKE IT AND PUT IT IN MY MOUTH LIKE A BRIDLE AND IM LIKE FUCK NAWL THAT SHIT IS NOT EVEN OKAY IT PROBABLY TASTES LIKE LATEX AND BODILY FLUIDS GET THAT AWAY FROM ME NO
  10. I think that was the last time we got together.
  11. But, my friends won't let me live it down and they send me this picture every so often when I make fun of them for stupid shit they've done during sex because yeah, they did something stupid, but they've never had a literal licorice whip
  12. And that's the most important moment I wish I could have paused so I could laugh at myself.