The Most Important Moment I Wish I Could Have Paused So I Could Have Laughed at Myself
I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS ONE
- •This one time, I was with this guy I was "seeing"
- •and he brought me watermelon flavored licorice ropes from one of those old Cracker Barrel-type stores you see on the main street of whatever small town he was visitingSweet gesture right? He was a sweet guy.
- •And we're eating the licorice and kissing each other all cute and stuff, nothing out of the ordinary
- •And puts the bag of licorice under the pillow, and I'm like "okay, that's super lazy, the night stand's right there"But I tried to reason with myself like "nah, dude that's kind of a stretch, and he's probably tired from training today and he wants to save all that movement for the next however long we're going to be in this bed"
- •So, we get into it, and everything is all good and I totally forgot about the licorice under the pillow.
- •At one point, he's [redacted]ing me from the b*ck and he kind of pauses, and I hear a rustling
- •and I'm thinkin "aw, yeah, he's gonna feed me licorice while we're doing it this is so cool I'm about to get the best of both worlds 💯💯💯🆒🙏🏽"
- •And he takes a handful of the licorice and SMACKS ME ON THE ASS WITH IT AND IS LIKE... RUBBING IT IN MY BUTTAnd I just stop and say super loudly "UMMMMMM? WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
- •AND THEN HE TRIES TO TAKE IT AND PUT IT IN MY MOUTH LIKE A BRIDLE AND IM LIKE FUCK NAWL THAT SHIT IS NOT EVEN OKAY IT PROBABLY TASTES LIKE LATEX AND BODILY FLUIDS GET THAT AWAY FROM ME NO
- •I think that was the last time we got together.
- •But, my friends won't let me live it down and they send me this picture every so often when I make fun of them for stupid shit they've done during sex because yeah, they did something stupid, but they've never had a literal licorice whip
- •And that's the most important moment I wish I could have paused so I could laugh at myself.