The Only Times I've Ever Stolen

I don't consider myself a thief. If something can be stolen, I'd rather convince someone else to take it than to do it myself. But, on rare occasions, I'll take matters (and things that don't belong to me) into my own hands.
  1. 1.
    The Gochujang Mayo bottle at The Crown
    This club-up-top, Korean-restaurant-on-the-bottom has the best sauce that's a mix of gochujang, mayonnaise, and other ingredients they wouldn't reveal when I asked. So, after being denied the recipe, I took a bottle of the sauce home, so I could figure it out myself. I think I got it down.
  2. 2.
    The Hangover 3
    Not like a DVD or anything, but like the actual theater experience. When I was in high school, I snuck into the movie one week after there was a shooting in the mall by my house, and flirted with the cop on duty who got called in to manage mischief, "in case of a second offense". I ended up missing half the movie and making out with him, until he told me he was married and I told him I was underage.
  3. 3.
    Boy's clothes
    We'd be sleeping together. I would put on something I liked afterward. That post-coital glow emanating from my body would confuse him into thinking it looked good on me (like he did) so it belonged to me (like he did). I've only gotten like flannels and regular tees out of it. It's weird to put on a leather jacket after sex to lounge around someone's place. I've tried.
  4. 4.
    An ounce of weed
    Met some drunk finance bros at a gas station in Georgetown. 5 minutes later, we're driving to their house to smoke, and another 5, one of them is trying to park my car out back while the other is pushing his lacrosse stick off the couch so I can sit. I watched them snort Molly off a Toshiba laptop. I'm not smoking with that. So we took the ounce while they looked for something and told them goodbye prematurely. We would have smoked it all together anyway and they had SO much more. It was cool.
  5. 5.
    Bottle of wine at a Giant grocery store
    It was about $30, and I rang it up as celery in the self-check line. I only paid $4. A literal steal.
  6. 6.
    "The show @ Li.st live"