Things That Make ME Happy About Being Single During the Holidays

  1. No shopping for gifts for a partner
  2. No working for the approval of a whole other set of family and friends
  3. No sneaking to give head in a childhood bedroom before everyone gathers downstairs to hold hands and talk about what they're grateful for, then getting stuck holding hands with a sweet 87-year old lady while my fingers are still sticky with slobber and genital juice