Requested by @JennyJLee
Check my decoy lmao
  1. Ok first I wanna say @feds I never break the law
  2. I've never broken the law
  3. I love the law and I will never break it
  4. Ok now that I'm done lying, I'm gonna just limit this to the most notable times I've broken the law because??
    You're always breaking some kind of law.
  5. When I was 16, I "stole" a movie and made out with this on-duty cop.
    They sent police to this movie theater in the mall because of a recent shooting. I walked past the ticket booth and saw a cop was standing there, so I called him hot. He followed us into the theater and flirted with me before the lights went down. Halfway through the movie, I walked over, grabbed him and we made out in the corridor. He told me he was married, then I told him I was 16. He's avoided me since. His name is Shane and he has two kids now. Also, the movie was Hangover 2.
  6. Last June I passed organic lollipops off as edibles and sold them to two Puerto Rican dudes in Coney Island
    They tried to hit on me by asking if I had a Facebook, and I told them my name was Trap Mouse (get it?). My two friends Fatmir (who is dead to me) and Khristian were drunkenly vouching for my pseudo-product and kept saying my name on accident. They didn't catch on. The dudes paid 8 dollars a pop. I bought ice cream with the money. Also, they had Puerto Rican bandanas on. I wasn't just throwing an ethnicity out there.
  7. Oral sex in cars (technically in public)
    One time I sucked this guy from our friends' house to another friends' house. We thought we pulled up by my dad at a light, and I held my head down on that shit bc I'm not risking it. Longest red light ever. He proposed to me that night before he left for Kuwait. I said no. Also, dude used to smoke me out and eat me out in the back of his car EVERYWHERE: a business complex parking lot, by a soccer field, by an observatory park, by a baseball field behind a church... I'm going to hell.
  8. I took shrooms and decided to have sex and then started freaking out because my then-boo's face started changing like Satan in The Adventure of Mark Twain. I didn't stop tho. It was wild.
  9. In August, me and Babeo "stole" an ounce of weed from these Georgetown finance bros
    I met them at the gas station, and they asked if we wanted to go hang and smoke. We drove them to their big ass house, filled with lacrosse sticks and Natty Bohs. They sat down with us in their TV room and we watched them do lines of Molly off a Toshiba. I've never seen someone who doesn't sell with that much weed. Ever. Babeo took a big ass bag of weed, and we pretended we forgot something, then drove home and watched Sailor Moon. We were gonna smoke it with them anyway, so it isn't that bad.
  10. Punching a girl's head into a pizza shop's window so hard, it cracked.
    It's a long drawn out story, but she deserved it. I hit her boyfriend, too. I apologized to Johnny, who owns the shop. He loves me so it wasn't that big of a deal. They got it replaced for free because of some insurance thing.
  11. "Assault with a deadly weapon"/knocking some dude unconscious with brass knuckles because he called me a nigger for no fucking reason and I was drunk.
  12. I tipped a delivery guy with Adderall I got from this girl who had a crush on me last semester during finals because he was so fucking cute and he told me he had a ton of work to do.
  13. When I was 13, I threw glass bottles in the street every day with the dudes who walked me home.
  14. I don't know if this counts, but I have hella spring-assisted switchblades, which are illegal where I live but you know what? That's life.
  15. Idk I don't even think about laws, I just do what the fuck I want and hope nobody gets in my way.
  16. Edit: I think it's fuckin hilarious that I put stole in quotation marks for both times I wrote it bc I probably have that toddler-like thought process where everything I want is mine so stealing is just me taking what belongs to me lmaaaaooooo