1. I'm so bloated from drinking my thanksgiving that I just accidentally popped my waistbeads
    Because niggas put meat in EVERYTHING except wine, tequila, and vodka. So, like....??? I just had an alcohol fast, basically.
  2. But it's karma because I stole them from this lil girl who was kind of dating this dude I was fucking when she left them in his apt last year
    I was there first, and they weren't official yet. Community dick, ya fimme? Addendum: I ain't even really steal em, he gave them to me because he said I looked good with waistbeads and he popped my old ones when we were rough housing like children. I thought he got em from his momma because he was Nigerian and you know what? I don't have to explain myself to y'all.
  3. I took ass pics in somebody I don't know's bathroom while this lady was knocking to bring her toddler in to pee. She heard the shutter click when I was like "Just a minuuuute!"
  4. I sang Primal Concrete Sledge to put somebody's baby to sleep.
  5. My cousin and I talked about critical race theory and smoked oui'd in his hookah while he was supposed to get some dish soap for his grandma
  6. My mother bullied me the whole time and was Ciroc-blockin the whole time
    Ciroc-blocking: when somebody doesn't let you drink, akin to cock-blocking, when somebody doesn't let you fuck
  7. I thought a baby rattle was a bowl for a millisecond
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  8. My dad had to yell at me for coming out my deathsleep to scream-sing along to "I Wanna Sex You Up"
    It's a special power I possess to instantly wake up when a song comes on
  9. I didn't wear a single pair of panties the whole trip. Including my thanksgiving day dress
  10. I came in last night from the daiquiri factory drunk as fuck, and nobody thought I drank at all 👼🏾👼🏾👼🏾👼🏾👼🏾
  11. I'm still on a lowkey buzz and it's all good. 😎😎😎
  12. I really confused thanksgiving for Christmas when I wrote this list
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