Ways I've Gotten Paid That I Can't Put On My Resume

In chronological order
  1. Sweeping the floors of a hair cuttery
    I did it for a few months when I was 12. They paid me $5 an hour. The funny thing is, my parents thought this was a sign of my work ethic, when it really was just my desire to stay in front of an audience as long as possible while getting paid for it.
  2. Middle School "Hitman"
    In eighth grade, my friends would tell me the people they didn't like, and pay me $10 to destroy them. I'd pull out my little notebook, and ask questions about the target. I took about a week to do research, then I'd attack in whatever way I'd find appropriate. I had to stop when they started using me against each other. Conflicts of interests will make you reconsider a career choice.
  3. Selling prescription medication
    My mom had a few surgeries when I had just gotten to high school. She had pharmacy delivery, which would fill a prescription for what would seem like for-fucking-ever. I would take whatever painkillers she didn't use and split them for resale and personal distribution. I was definitely undercharging, and I gave them for free to this skater boy, Nick, with whom I was madly in love. I mentioned him/this in other lists.
  4. Singing at funerals
    Only did it once, after ruinin someone's funeral. @amber and @k8mcgarry know the story.
  5. Odd jobs at a "loc shop"/possible undercover weed dealer HQ
    At 16, I got paid under the table to be a receptionist/assistant/social media manager/painter/maintenance man/event planner/relationship counselor/art project director. All titles are appropriate if you consider the jobs I was doing. My bosses came in high everyday, and they were kind of impatient with me, but I liked that job. This one I actually put on my resume, though.
  6. Ghostwriter for a sugarbaby
    My freshman and sophomore year of college, this girl in Dallas named Nikki who dated actual billionaires had a blog. She found mine, then asked me if I wanted to write things for her. I wrote/edited everything from love poems to emails she'd send to her business partners. She gift rocketed me $500 a week. After a while, she finally opened up her designer thrift shop, and just disappeared. It was good money while it lasted
  7. Feeding egos
    I dunno what else to call it, but it started last year when this Qatari official's son paid me to... Talk to him. And be nice to him. It was kind of weird but he was very nice and he gave me money regularly just because. I had to stop because I didn't wanna feel obligated to maintain a relationship for some money. I could work a real job for all that.
  8. Selling things I thought could pass off as edibles
    Oui'd is expensive and college kids are stupid.