we're not that close if...

alternatively titled, "be grateful we're not friends because..."
  1. I haven't peed on the phone with you
    I'm always peeing on the phone. if I pee on FaceTime, I love you. if I send you a video of me peeing, we're married.
  2. I haven't tried to convert you to the church of beets
  3. I haven't sent you a butt pic
    I mean everyone's seen em but SENDING THEM IS SPECIAL
  4. I haven't asked if you've eaten your vegetables
  5. I haven't talked about pooping around you
    i have stomach issues so poops (both mine and yours) are important
  6. I haven't sang a song in its entirety in front of/for you
  7. I haven't sent you a screenshot
    not just conversation but of anything. tweets, instagram, etc
  8. I haven't roasted you
    if it doesn't end with headass, it's not a roast.
  9. I haven't told you to shut the fuck up
    because I'm laughing at you or because I love you enough to be okay with telling you to chill.
  10. I haven't fallen asleep on you
    I am a wonderful co-sleeper, but I'm also very terrified to snore in your face
  11. I haven't slapped your phone out of your hand
  12. I haven't told you in an almost dismissive way that I love you very much
    "yeah, like I love you lowkey or whatever"