we're not that close if...
alternatively titled, "be grateful we're not friends because..."
- •I haven't peed on the phone with youI'm always peeing on the phone. if I pee on FaceTime, I love you. if I send you a video of me peeing, we're married.
- •I haven't tried to convert you to the church of beets
- •I haven't sent you a butt picI mean everyone's seen em but SENDING THEM IS SPECIAL
- •I haven't asked if you've eaten your vegetables
- •I haven't talked about pooping around youi have stomach issues so poops (both mine and yours) are important
- •I haven't sang a song in its entirety in front of/for you
- •I haven't sent you a screenshotnot just conversation but of anything. tweets, instagram, etc
- •I haven't roasted youif it doesn't end with headass, it's not a roast.
- •I haven't told you to shut the fuck upbecause I'm laughing at you or because I love you enough to be okay with telling you to chill.
- •I haven't fallen asleep on youI am a wonderful co-sleeper, but I'm also very terrified to snore in your face
- •I haven't slapped your phone out of your hand
- •I haven't told you in an almost dismissive way that I love you very much"yeah, like I love you lowkey or whatever"