1. doesn't know how to say no to you, so he leaves you on read when you ask to come over, then finally texts back a week later, saying he thought he answered
  2. has to take three (3) deep breaths before taking a shot
    then he winces and frantically grabs a chaser and makes the face babysitters do when babies shit through the diaper
  3. keeps looking for kinkier things to do in bed because he's starting to doubt how skillful he is at sex
  4. tells himself that people turn him down because it's cooler than giving him a chance, rather than accepting the reality that he's not only a piece of shit, but a boring piece of shit and even the most obscure kinks won't make up for his chewed up blow-pop gumwad of a personality
  5. peaked before you even really hit puberty
  6. hasn't found any real friends who actually care for him enough to roast the shit out his ass when he does any typical scrub activity so he keeps hurting your feelings
  7. calls himself an "alpha male" and is, at MOST, a beta male playing dress up in alpha male clothes
  8. thinks you don't know the games he's playing, but you keep going along because you don't wanna be the "crazy one" in y'all situationship, so you're stuck looking like a dummy
  9. is still alive because every time you think about asking God to kill him dead, you think about how people will instantly forget how much of a demon he is and start loving him posthumously, and you know he doesn't deserve that kind of praise
  10. makes beats and still can't tap his foot to the rhythm correctly
  11. passive aggressively suggests you lose weight, like there aren't better men who would worship EVERYthing about you at ANY size that you turn down for him because he's "familiar"
  12. will always have an unfulfilling love life because he doesn't know how to express love better than through sex acts and wouldn't know (manipulation-free) intimacy if it slow stroked him while looking lovingly in his eyes in a candlelit room while Maxwell's "This Woman's Work" played in the background