Don't treat yourself like an object of contempt, you SO don't deserve that shit!
  1. Spectatoring is the act of looking at yourself as if from an outside and very hostile perspective. You hate you and judge you. You are scathing in your self attacks.
  2. When you spectate, your every action, thought, or need is judged you.
  3. Folks who spectate were generally overly-criticized children who learned to preemptively criticize themselves as a defense
  4. If you have attacked yourself first, criticized and judged your actions, you will not be shocked, hurt and surprised when somebody else does it. The rug will not be pulled out from underneath you. You have made an end run. Ha ha😢
    This preemptive self hatred developed to preserve your attachment to a beloved parent. If you could predict your evil doing/thinking/neediness, it gave you a weeee bit of control.
  5. Mindfulness and compassion are the key. Start to notice and name the self attack-- by naming it, you are no longer merged with it. It becomes a teeny-weeny bit separate from you. We want it to become a thing rather than you.
  6. Ask yourself if you would say the same things to a beloved child that you are saying to yourself. Stop that!
  7. Notice your triggers. How is this situation reminiscent of an old traumatic relationship. Be the loving parent now that you needed then.
  8. Of course, good therapy. Good meds. Always helpful.