NARCISSISTIC WOUNDS: WE ALL HAZ EM
Having narcissistic wounds doesn't make you a narcissist, quite the contrary.
- •Many of us have narcissistic wounds. Narcissistic wounds are created when our parents failed to meet our emotional needs in childhoodUsually parents who create narcissistic wounds only give attention to their child when the child is performing in a way that reflects the parent's own grandiosity and narcissism. The child gets reinforced for performance not for emotional connection and attachment.
- •Essentially your parent could only admire themselves in you. You were a mirror in which they could bask in the glow of their own glory. They did not see you but they needed you to perform and reflect their sense of themselves. This leaves children without attachment, and without a sense of self.In children a sense of self is built because the parent sees and loves and connects to that which is unique and special about the child. Narcissistic parents can't really do this
- •How do you know if you have a narcissistic wound?Classically, we feel our narcissistic wounds by feeling empty and disconnected from others. We also feel tremendous pain when we think of ourselves, a sense of lack of self-esteem, shame about who you are and how you appear in the world. But emptiness seems to be the biggest problem.
- •You feel empty because you only existed for your mother or father when you were narcissistically reflecting their idea of themselves. You were not your own person and they didn't see you and appreciate you for the person you were —only for the ways in which you made them feel good about themselves
- •Some children who were narcissistically wounded by their parents do become narcissistic themselves. Emptiness, grandiosity and performance were instilled in them by their parents. The lack of empathy they experienced from their parents they hand out to others.That is a topic for another list, right now I am talking about people Who truly desire to relate to other people in a healthy way, but have to overcome a sense of an empty defective self in order to do that
- •Often adults who were narcissistically wounded as children have a very difficult time attaching to others and feeling bonded.Relationships can feel empty and it might be hard to feel emotionally connected to other people. Work can feel equally empty because performance is for other people, not for yourself. Alternatively some people become workaholics because the only time they felt anything was when they were performing and receiving praise for that performance
- •So how does one get over this horrid situation? How do you go from feeling empty, disconnected, and ashamed of who you are to feeling connected to yourself and others and to the world??
- •Therapy obvs! But it should be therapy with a therapist who really understands narcissistic wounds.
- •Understanding the ways in which your parent created a false self in you and beginning to recognize who you are and who you came in the world to be is the work. You need to have a realistic sense of your strengths and weaknesses without feeling shame about it or grandiosity about it
- •We have to pay close attention to when we feel empty. We have to pay close attention to when we feel grandiose. We have to pay close attention to when we feel shame.I believe that these states of self were organized in our childhood with our parents and we have to find new ways to connect and relate to ourselves and others.
- •It is going to sound corny but we need to feel unconditional love and acceptance for ourselves and our vulnerabilities.That is what we all needed in childhood and often did not receive.
- •I hope this helps, love DocP