LIST OF 10 FEARS I WILL PROBABLY NEVER PUBLISH - RANKED
I don't let the fears stop me from pursuing any of these things. It's ok to be scared.
- 1.Not being a good father and husbandI have a great father, though he may not have been the best husband since the marriage ended in divorce. Family is the most important thing to me and one of my main fears is not being good enough as a father and a husband. I keep hearing stories of failed marriages and people who are good at being either a dad or a husband. I hope my life doesn't turn into one of those stories.
- 2.Having kidsYou're creating life and bringing it into a world that is completely broken with no real hope in sight. That's such an insane burden to put on someone. Here's world we messed up, best of luck! Not to mention the responsibility I take on of nurturing another human being for life. Not ready for this yet.
- 3.CancerMaybe irrational? My brother had a benign tumor. It didn't kill him, but it left him handicapped and changed my family's life forever. My grandfather died of cancer when my mother was young. I've had myself checked from an early age and I don't have anything. Still the question I always ask is if cancer runs in the family. Will my kids have it? Will my grandkids? It terrifies me! I have such a deep respect for anyone who goes through it. Shoutout to @dena, I admire the hell out of you!
- 4.Losing familyBefore it's their time that is. Recently lost my grandmother, but she was very old and said she was ready. It was sad, but I can accept it. My family is in Norway, however, and losing any of them will be hard since I'm not there as much any more. Losing my wife is something I can't stand to think about, and yet I do way too often.
- 5.Raising strong Black men and womenThis is a little too real. My wife is Black and I can by no means say I have experienced what it's like to be non-White. Some people close to me have asked me how I'm going to raise Black children. I say I can't but I will try, and luckily I have my wife. If I didn't have her, this point would be higher on my list.
- 6.My career floppingI don't have one yet, but when I do I want to make it count. I accept that things change. I understand that I may get opportunities later that are very different from what I'm setting out to do now. I'm ok with that. Whatever I do, I just don't want to be bad at it.
- 7.Being vulnerableKind of obvious, but yes. I hate being in a vulnerable position and I've always tried to protect myself against it.
- 8.HeightsI'm petrified of heights. It immobilized me. Maybe it's that I don't have great balance and I may fall. Isn't there a thing that you're only scared of heights because you want to jump? I don't think it's that, but now I'm a little scared it is and I just don't know it.
- 9.Small spacesI can never be an action hero because I'm scared of climbing through air vents (sure, *that's* the only reason). I'm a big guy and I don't always move gracefully. Getting stuck in a small space messes with my mind and I always avoid it.
- 10.Not having your approvalPart of me says to hell with it, this is me and you will take me as I am. Another part of me is scared you won't like me. I get paranoid about this some times. To the point of thinking there are people plotting against me. It's narcissistic I know, but I can't help it.
- 11.BONUS: Ranking thingsComing from a kid who was picked last in gym class, ranking things from best to worst isn't always great. Turns out ranking things I worry about also makes me worry about if I put this in the right order. I think the ranking depends on the day. This is how I feel about it now, not sure what tomorrow will bring.