Had to edit this down. Brace yourself! Naturally filled with spoilers. PS: I excluded a LOT of puns.
  1. Here we go, what could go wrong?
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  2. Uhm... In spite of what everyone has said since I saw this as a kid, I will try to keep an open mind.
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  3. Wait, was Arnold bigger than George in terms of star power at this time?
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  4. Let's not forget about the girl power. Man, this is a white cast!
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  5. This is very similar to the new Batman V Superman logo...
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  6. Those are some pecks. There's also a hint of a Batnipple.
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  7. Slightly smaller pecks, but bigger nipples?
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  8. Butt shot #1!
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  9. Butt shot #2!
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  10. Totally forgot that the car had a Back to the Future flux capacitor without the ability to go back in time.
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  11. For trying to be a little incognito, this is a very flashy Batmobile.
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  12. Robin wants a car. Like, SHUT UP! You're an orphan who gets to live in a mansion with f-ing Batman. Maybe just be grateful!
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  13. Batman looks a little bit cross eyed.
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  14. Are either Bruce or Alfred really good at installing light shows? Or is there a technician somewhere who's being paid to keep quiet?
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  15. So no protection for Batman? He's just going to sit in the open like an easy target? Great!
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  16. Again, are the lights necessary? ALSO, the Batcave can't be big enough to have both the car and bike ready at the same time?! Maybe get rid of some lights to make some room.
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  17. Oh, Alfred is sick! That's so sad! This is supposed to be a fun, comic book, action-comedy. Now I feel bad.
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  18. Batman has an iPhone in 1997.
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  19. Batman left like 5 min before Robin. A: This is a long Bat tunnel. B: He f-ing waited for Robin? Why? Meet him there!
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  20. This seems like a lot of work for Mr. Freeze since he's just picking up a single diamond.
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  21. CGI has changed a little bit in 18 years.
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  22. Surfing on dinosaurs. Later, Batman will tell Robin to be careful with the museum items.
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  23. Robin shows up late, so Batman didn't really have to wait for him anyways. It also makes NO sense that the hole in the wall is shaped like his logo when he's just driving a motorcycle. Maybe Robin was late because he had to carve out his logo with a laser, back up the bike and drive through it to make an entrance. DIVA!
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  24. Said entrance is immediately ruined by slipping on ICE and spinning out of control.
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  25. Why do Batman & Robin fight Mr. Freeze and his henchmen for like 5 minutes on ice BEFORE they put on their skates?!
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  26. Mr. Freeze gets the diamond and tries to fly away in a rocket. Wouldn't it be easier to just drive away? Also, Batman gets inside the rocket and is immediately trapped, while Robin brought some magnets and is hanging on outside the rocket. Yeah, right!!!
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  27. Robin is so lucky that he hasn't reached the door Mr. Freeze just kicked open. Wow, that was a close one guys!
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  28. To be clear, they are surfing on f-ing rocket doors while the Batbomb goes off in the background. Robin is about to surf down a roof and yell "cowabunga," which makes me want to watch Turtles instead of this.
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  29. Robin is an idiot, so he gets himself frozen and loses the diamond. Don't worry guys - Mr. Freeze tells Batman he has 11 minutes to save him. I'm sure that's how being frozen works!
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  30. This is not how water works. It doesn't turn red when you heat it up and a single laser won't affect the whole pool! Because science! I will point out that Batman could probably have used this laser on Freeze earlier and won the whole fight.
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  31. Trying to make Uma Thurman unattractive is not working.
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  32. I actually like this Bane more than Nolan's - score!
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  33. "Ugly" Uma has to die before beautiful Poison Ivy can arrive.
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  34. Batrobes! Also, their pecks are totally gone.
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  35. I know he's dying, but it also kinda looks like Alfred is jerking off while touching Batman's suit.
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  36. I feel weird about her using her body as a weapon, but whatever works?
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  37. It's a miracle they haven't found Mr, Freeze's hidden lair yet. Batman is not as great of a detective after all.
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  38. I would go on strike if this is all I got to eat!
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  39. Only diversity I've seen so far. It's also the only scene she's in. She disappears when Freeze gives her a cold shoulder, which is an ACTUAL pun from the movie!!! Such a waste of the wonderful Vivica A. Fox.
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  40. Just remember that vests used to be considered cool.
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  41. Why does Poison Ivy need a wig? I also don't think the hat is covering up enough of Bane to avoid suspicion.
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  42. Elle Macpherson is there to convince people that Batman isn't gay. She's even wearing pink to show she's clearly a woman.
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  43. Poison Ivy gets inches of Bruce Wayne without having any clearance, so his security is pretty much the worst! I'm also fairly certain that paper is not recycled!
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  44. This is a party invitation, except it says nothing as to when it is and how to RSVP. So Bruce basically gave her a fake number to make her go away. Such a douche move!
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  45. Oh nothing to see here, just a few inconsistencies with the frozen ice from shot to shot!
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  46. Racist! Rich, old, white people bidding on young, ethnic, hot girls while black people dance around like the jungle people they are. Racist!!!! Oh, this is the party Bruce is throwing, so Batman is a racist. You're welcome!
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  47. They're chilling out on stage with everyone?! This is Bruce Wayne's event. No one is going to ask where he is?! Come on!
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  48. This diamond is bright red, and like Vivica A. Fox will never be seen again. All other diamonds in the movie are white. Is that Harry Van Gorkum?! Sick sport coat bro!
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  49. How the hell does Batman smell anything through that mask? Come to think of it, why doesn't it always sound like he has a cold?
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  50. Batman tries to buy Poison Ivy (who literally said she would put out for whoever won the bidding). THIS IS THE BEST BANK CARD (FOR)EVER, but whatever is going on here is really gross!
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  51. This getaway plan doesn't seem like the smartest move by Freeze...
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  52. Batman shuts down Robin's bike in the pursuit because he won't make the jump, forgetting that making the bike spin out of control on this giant arm is probably the most dangerous thing ever. No wonder Robin is screaming "REALLY DAD?!?!?!"
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  53. Batman should try to turn that frown upside down.
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  54. Prison system must be pretty terrible if Freeze is being transported in a shitty fridge.
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  55. Kids today. Always covering themselves with glow in the dark paint while trying to hide. They are also beaten down by Bane in 2 seconds. Schumacher Bane vs Nolan Bane: 2 - 0
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  56. She proposes to him. He says no. He has a seductive dream about Poison Ivy to convince us he's still not gay.
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  57. Omg, Coolio! And that isn't a Mr. Freeze pun. Like most Black people in this movie he disappears after one scene.
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  58. Robin's helmet is lacking some tinting continuity.
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  59. This is the third time or so that the bikes have flipped and they're sliding out of control. Maybe stay away from bikes in general?
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  60. Freeze makes this little thing from an ice block and a clock. I didn't know you could get Pinterest in jail.
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  61. What the hell?! Immediately after Freeze escapes from prison, Batman and the cops are at his lair. So they knew where it was all along?! This makes no sense!
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  62. Batman & Robin also find this hidden room in a heartbeat even though it's their first time in the lair...
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  63. Ok, here it is again. Batman explains how Poison Ivy has some sort of mind control. Robin just wants to go solo and have sex with Poison Ivy. Seriously dude, he took you in!!! Your life is so awesome only BECAUSE OF HIM! BE GRATEFUL!!
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  64. Poison Ivy steals the Batsignal and poor Bane has to carry it?. Wouldn't be easier to get a new one from a place that delivers?
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  65. Batman says I love you to the only one who's always there. This is actually really sweet.
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  66. This is the best technology they have in 1997! No, actually!!!
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  67. More or less shot by shot how she realizes that the password is "Peg." Even putting aside the fact that there's a terrible continuity problem here, Alfred puts all of Batman's secrets on a disk and the password is the name of his f-ing sister?!?! Even "ChillinInDaBatcave4eva" would have been better!!!!
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  68. This would never happen!
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  69. One, I don't see the red diamond he stole. Two, why did Freeze need to steal those two diamonds when he could have just come here to begin with. Three, somehow these diamonds are all racists!
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  70. Hold on! Alfred has put his brain algorithm onto a computer. That is actually more amazing than anything else in this movie!!!!! He also anticipated that his niece would come into town, find out about Batman, desire to be part of the team and have the skills to fight bad guys... No biggie!
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  71. Butt shot #3!
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  72. I have a legitimate problem with this. Batgirl has to wear f-ing heels!?!? She also doesn't get the same kind of muscular suit as the guys because she has to appear more feminine?! And in the spirit of #freethenipple, wtf?!? I have to look at Bats and Robs' nipples flying all over the place, but Batgirl can't do the same?! Sexist!
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  73. Poison Ivy tries to kill Robin with a kiss. He takes off his rubber lips, which is his only protection. She can really just kiss him again and get it over with, but instead she pushed him into the water. That is possibly the dumbest thing in the movie...
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  74. This has always bugged me. I'll show you why in a bit. Batman is focused on cutting himself loose while Batgirl fights Poison Ivy, who reveals that she killed Mrs. Freeze. Let's all remember how this went down.
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  75. Poison Ivy is at last defeated by a plant, which is the ONE THING SHE CONTROLS! I was wrong, this is the dumbest thing in the movie!!!
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  76. "Now that we know Freeze's plan to kill the whole world, let's go back to the cave an hour outside the city to get new suits and gear that will only be used for like five minutes because hey... I'm Batman!"
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  77. Why not destroy the world AND get your teeth whitened at the same time?
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  78. Merchandise!!!!! Even more flashy than before.
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  79. Suits are just as sexist as before only now in silver. Also, doesn't metal get cold faster? Wouldn't this be the worst suit to fight Mr, Freeze in? Maybe more annoying, Batgirl has to wear a stupid helmet on the bike but now she can let her hair down... Great!
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  80. Mr. Freeze is apparently learning about the solar system when our heroes arrive.
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  81. This heater is supposed to thaw a whole frozen person. That is a really powerful heater! Could have used that earlier while battling Freeze. Then this movie would have been like 1 hour and 45 minutes shorter. Wait, I think I made that comment already. I'll do a Schumacher (hope no one notices the mistake).
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  82. Ok, I get that Batman is stuck in the telescope while fighting Freeze (don't get me started), but why is he just chilling there?! He looks like he's enjoying a theme park ride!
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  83. Bane turns green because of the Venom? Nolan's Bane gets a point for this one.
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  84. Bane's only weakness is the flimsy tube in the back of his head?! Pulling that out makes him completely useless. That's so dumb! Nolan did a similar thing btw, no points!!! Schumacher's Bane wins 2-1!
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  85. Again, technology! #appleevent1997
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  86. I'm actually surprised these satellites don't say Wayne Enterprises. Especially since Wayne is against working with the army.
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  87. Using the sun and reflectors to thaw a whole city seems highly unlikely, but also kinda believable compared to everything else in this movie.
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  88. A: this is not how ice melts. B: the sun is actually not powerful enough to thaw a city this quickly (they only have 11 minutes, remember). C: this ice looks like a lot of plastic wrap. I hate everything about this!
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  89. Yay, this dog can finally finish peeing!!!
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  90. Mr Freeze was defeated by one of the heaters from earlier, where the hell did it go?!
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  91. Ok, I'm glad you stayed with me. This is the video Batman took of Poison Ivy when she admits to killing Mrs. Freeze. EXCEPT HE WAS USING BOTH HIS HANDS TO F-ING CUT HIMSELF LOOSE! HOW DOES THIS VIDEO EXCIST?!?!?!?? I can't. I just can't!
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  92. Apparently never cut a teeth whitening session short.
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  93. Freeze's suit is running on fumes. He needs all the power to stay alive for as long as possible. So naturally the two dozes of medicine he's not using get blue light beams! WHY ARE YOU CARRYING AROUND MEDICINE YOU DON'T NEED! Incidentally, this is exactly what Alfred needs to survive. Mr. Freeze 1 - logic 0.
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  94. Poison Ivy is in jail and for some reason shares a cell with...
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  95. Mr. Freeze (who appears out of nowhere)! No!!! Would not happen! Poison Ivy would be sent to an all female prison and turn into Red in OITNB.
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  96. Mr. Freeze also says "Winter has come as last," so I guess this is the end of Game of Thrones.
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  97. The gang saves Alfred, but why do they always have to separate the girls from the boys? It annoys the hell out of me. It's her uncle and only close relative!!! Yet she would go through the trouble of taking off her suit, but Batman and Robin wouldn't?! Gah!
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  98. Epic signature closing shot that's not as enticing as it's supposed to be. Batman and the gang saved the world and learned something about themselves. Didn't see that one coming! Roll credits! Btw, the credits song is R. Kelly's Gotham City. The year before he did Space Jam, so he was the obvious choice for this movie as well.
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  99. I will give Schumacher some credit. Yes, the movie is very over the top, but it is at least consistent in its ridiculousness. Looking back, Schumacher may have been on the wrong track, but at least he kept everyone on it.
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