MOMENTS FROM RE-WATCHING STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999)

  1. 1.
    Everyone hates the prequels.
    This is the one that started it all. I don't remember anything but liking it a little bit when it came out. So here we go again.
  2. 2.
    I'm already bored.
    Ok, shake it off. The whole thing can't be bad.
  3. 3.
    These aren't storm troopers.
  4. 4.
    This is not C3PO.
  5. 5.
    They're not great at sensing trouble.
    They're about to be killed and no senses are going off. Maybe they're not so great with the force after all?
  6. 6.
    These puppets speak perfect English in spite of being unable to move their mouths.
  7. 7.
    I can't tell if the movie is actually trying to hide who the Emperor is.
    The movie is filled with hints! For instance, the first two people to show up on a hologram look and sound suspiciously similar.
  8. 8.
    This Jedi has a very particular set of skills.
    He will open this door, he will find you, and he will kill you.
  9. 9.
    Some of these special effects hold up, others apparently don't.
    After defeating these robots, the Jedi decide to leave the spaceship and run to the planet below... for no apparent reason.
  10. 10.
    Things just got a little more racist.
  11. 11.
    I have a hard time with this scene.
    This is a VERY calm little lake, almost as if it was on a studio lot. Jar Jar claims there's a secret city down there. Ok, I'll get to that in a second. The weirdest thing is how the Jedi have tons of gadgets in their robes, like a mini scuba diving thingie. They were sent to negotiate a treaty in space! Why would they pack their diving equipment?! In case they had time for some sightseeing? I guess a Jedi is like a Boy Scout, always (conveniently) prepared.
  12. 12.
    This is the "hidden" city.
    How hidden can it really be when all the lights are screaming "WE'RE OVER HERE!" It needs to be pretty deep for no one to see this city from the surface, even if it's in a cave.
  13. 13.
    Hold up! Things aren't adding up!
    Why did the Jedi need to go here again? They want to find the queen. Why did Jar Jar take them there when he knew he would be arrested? He could have just shown them where it was and be like "I'll see you guys on the surface. Lastly, why does a people who can easily breathe under water live in airlocks?
  14. 14.
    Jedi senses fail yet again
    Seriously though. A giant killer fish is after them and no bells go off until it's too late. That's not just being a bad Jedi, that's being a bad submarine commander. Also, I have yet to hear of a fish that eats submarines.
  15. 15.
    Conveniently saved by a bigger fish.
    They encounter a big scary fish twice and both times they are saved by an even bigger fish. That's two times too many.
  16. 16.
    It look really hard to keep this giant lawn so well kept.
    Animating trees and tall grass must be expensive.
  17. 17.
    The Queen is taken prisoner without a fight?
    They have an army! They have fighters! And the droids are just allowed to walk in?! That seems like poor leadership. Also, the bad guy was in space when Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan landed on this planet. Are you telling me that the two Jedi spent so much time getting to the city that the droid army could invade the capitol AND the villain could get there from space!? I'm really starting to doubt our two Jedi here.
  18. 18.
    These droids suck!
    The Jedi defeat a team of droids and no alarms go off? They also just walk up in the hangar to this ship. Shouldn't the robots know who' transporting the prisoners? Shouldn't this be harder?!
  19. 19.
    This is R2D2!
    Finally! Appearance of this lovable character tries to make you forget all the weird stuff that has happened so far.
  20. 20.
    Darth Maul does intimidating arm cross stance for no reason.
    Or I guess it's just in case you don't know he's the villain.
  21. 21.
    As much as I love R2D2, why is he being rewarded?
    It's a robot. He did his job, which was fixing the ship's shield. I love this guy but is what he did enough to get a meeting with the queen? If so, his reward is just getting cleaned? This is just weird.
  22. 22.
    Queen Amidala is really taking her undercover role seriously.
    If you don't remember, this servant girl is actually the Queen. There are at all times five or six servant girls, and the fake queen sends the real queen (Padme) to clean the droid? Anyone could have done this! I also feel like there would be an automated cleaning service in the ship for droids. Maybe not. Regardless, the real Queen/Padme is really embracing being a servant girl. Maybe it's method acting for a play she's in.
  23. 23.
    They're trying to avoid attention, so they park in the outskirts of the city.
    Good thing they're not in a super fancy and shiny spaceship or anything.
  24. 24.
    Why is Jar Jar going?
    Qui-Gon needs to go, R2D2 is helpfull, and the Queen requests that Padme goes. Jar Jar serves absolutely no purpose. He's nothing but comically inept. He was kicked out of his city for being clumsy! Maybe not bring him to a dangerous city where you need to keep a low profile?
  25. 25.
    Watto is more offensive than I remember.
    He's a mix of the worst portrayal of a Jew and a greasy Italian. Not sure who came up with this character but I have a feeling it was a WASP.
  26. 26.
    White boy gets offended when he's called a slave.
    Irony?
  27. 27.
    This relationship gets creepy quickly.
    In reality the actors are 8 years. She was 18, he was 10. I'm sure she was supposed be appear younger (and he older), but this is actually really creepy.
  28. 28.
    Don't worry, Qui-Gon gets creepy too.
    There's a sandstorm coming and Anakin invites them to his house for dinner and to spend the night. Qui-Gon accepts the proposal from a 10 year-old and we're supposed to be ok with that?! My mom would have killed me if I brought four strangers home like this.
  29. 29.
    This sandstorm doesn't look all that bad.
    I could be wrong. Never been in a sandstorm. The one in Mad Max Fury Road, however, looks a little more harsh than this.
  30. 30.
    This is C3PO!
    Isn't nice to know that future Darth Vader built him?
  31. 31.
    Gotham planet by night.
    This will be important later.
  32. 32.
    So now we know where the Emperor and Darth Maul is.
    They have a long dreary conversation and I'm still not scared of them. Ugh, are we past the point of no return yet? No?! Ok, let's get to it then.
  33. 33.
    Table manners are hard to come by.
    See, this is why you shouldn't have brought Jar Jar. He's being gross. You touching his tongue like that isn't great either.
  34. 34.
    Who stands like this?
    That can't be a comfortable stretch. Also,Qui-Gon is sensing something in the boy. Creeeeepy!
  35. 35.
    Not exactly mother of the year over here.
    This is the mother who not only allows for strangers to come spend the night but also lets her son compete in a deadly race to give them money. Something Qui-Gon also allows. Future adults are very irresponsible.
  36. 36.
    Mother explains how Anakin doesn't have a father...
    She claims she was just pregnant with him one day, like the Virgin Mary. That's right, Darth Vader is Jesus Christ!
  37. 37.
    Or maaaaybe she just lied to this stranger who's putting her son in danger.
    Regardless, Qui-Gon believes he just found the Messiah. He's the only one who thinks so and will be the sole reason for Anakin being trained as a Jedi. Good job Qui-Gon, you doomed them all!
  38. 38.
    We interrupt this movie for a very long pod-race.
    Anakin has built this himself on a slave's salary. I guess White slaves do ok for themselves on this planet? Not ok! Am I halfway through the movie yet? No!?!?
  39. 39.
    Jar Jar is still useless!
    There's not a single scene where he's not messing up something. Why is he helping on the pod? He didn't know what pod-racing was 12 hours ago and now he's being allowed to help build the car? I don't think these people are too bright.
  40. 40.
    Darth Maul is here!
    Finally some action! Except he's just going to wait until his robots find the shiny ship? He knows what it looks like! He's right next to the city! How did he not see it during his descent?! Looks like we have to wait for that action.
  41. 41.
    Qui-Gon makes an important bet with Watto.
    He bets the pod-racer for both Anakin and his mother. Watto says the car isn't worth two slaves, so Qui-Gon settles for Anakin alone. Let's remember that!
  42. 42.
    Stop it!
    You're telling him to be careful in a deadly race YOU let him participate in! If he dies, it's on your hands.
  43. 43.
    No one sees this?!
    In a stadium filled with hundreds of thousands of people/aliens. Anakin is also five feet away from this. No one is going to react?! Ok, I guess I'll have to buy that too.
  44. 44.
    Behind every great hut is an ever greater hut.
    Appearance made to remind you that you're actually watching Star Wars.
  45. 45.
    Hey Warwick Davis!
  46. 46.
    This camera doesn't exist!
    There's no way you have a droid being able to follow this high speed chase! It's also a race out amongst a desert where there's nothing but sand and rocks. No high tech camera facility.
  47. 47.
    Pod-racing isn't as popular as you might think?
    Or maybe watching a race live doesn't have the same appeal in a galaxy far far away.
  48. 48.
    Qui-Gon might be making a move on Anakin's mother.
    A little hand on her shoulder. Oh what's that? A little sexual tension? At least he's not *forcing* himself on her too hard... That's a terrible joke and I apologize.
  49. 49.
    Is that baby Greedo?
    It's not, but if it was... Han Solo shot first.
  50. 50.
    The piece falls off at a very convenient time!
    I guess I just have to accept that too. He still wins though, no worries.
  51. 51.
    Anakin is free!
    Great news! Qui-Gon has the parts he needs and he will teach Anakin to be a Jedi. He also has the pod though. In fact, Anakin sells it and gives the money to his mom. WHY ON EARTH DOESN'T QUI-GON USE THE POD TO FREE ANAKIN'S MOTHER?! Watto says no pod is worth two slaves, but it would only be traded for one as Anakin already won his freedom. Not having his mother around will slowly cause Anakin to go to the dark side. So Darth Vader actually came to be because Qui-Gon sucks at gambling! Ugh!
  52. 52.
    Sexual tension round 2?
    Now you're just getting clingy Mr. White-Jesus-looking-Jedi.
  53. 53.
    This goodbye didn't need to happen!
    She's now just a wealthy slave on Tatooine. What good does that do? But this is past the halfway mark, YAY!!!!
  54. 54.
    Darth Maul figures out where the Jedi are right before they leave.
    Never mind the fact that Qui-Gon has been at the center of the most prolific pod-race the city has seen in a while. No no. It's when the Jedi go back to their shiny ship that the robots spot them.
  55. 55.
    The fight is over in 2 seconds.
    Technically it's Darth Maul's fault. If he hadn't wasted all that time waiting for his bots to come back he probably would have found them earlier.
  56. 56.
    Gotham planet by day!
    We know this is where the Emperor is because of the scene with Darth Maul from earlier.
  57. 57.
    Oh, who's the first person we see there?
    Oh hey there Emperor. Shhhh, it's a secret. Is he trying to do a smolder?
  58. 58.
    The Jedi council is on this planet!!!
    So the most powerful Jedi in the universe are gathered in one place and none of them have figured out there's a powerful Sith walking around? These guys are terrible.
  59. 59.
    They're always in a hurry, and yet...
    They have probably talked about how short on time they are around 50 times. So how do they squeeze in time to do the Queens hair all the damn time?
  60. 60.
    This is the senate?!
    How do they get anything done? I'm slightly expecting them to do a pod-like race with these. Alas, that might be a thing for a sequel.
  61. 61.
    This is obviously Padme/Natalie Portman!
    So the surprise that Padme is undercover is actually ruined? Did they expect us not to notice?
  62. 62.
    Rush hour on Gotham planet.
    I actually have to give them credit. They have flying cars and it's not total anarchy. Though doesn't being stuck in traffic go against some of the appeal with flying cars?
  63. 63.
    The council is mean to Anakin.
    Just because he's a little older he can't become a Jedi? It seems you have to be a baby, which suggest that Jedi have to be brainwashed from birth. Great! They talk about how he misses his mother and no one mentions HOW SHE COULD BE HERE WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY HAD THE MONEY TO SET HER FREE!!!!! Ugh, that's it, I'm rooting for the Siths.
  64. 64.
    I don't understand her hair.
    Is she wearing a wig all the time? I'm legitimately asking.
  65. 65.
    Qui-Gon acts like a baby.
    The council rejects Anakin because he's too old and sense darkness in his heart. Qui-Gon: But I reeaally wanna traaain him. Yoda: No, we talked about this. Qui-Gon: But I waannnaaa. Yoda: Fine, whatever. And that ladies and gentlemen, is how Darth Vader was born.
  66. 66.
    They're back on Nabu (Padme and Jar Jar's home).
    Jar Jar's people where chased out of their hidden city in the ocean (by droids who would probably short circuit if they're even too close to water). So now they're in a hidden city in the forest, which I have a hunch the droids could find very easily as well. Ok, moving on.
  67. 67.
    Padme reveals herself!
    Which would be super surprising to us if we hadn't already seen her talk in the Senate. Two supposedly great Jedi have been with her for a long time and they didn't sense anything about her? I'm starting to doubt they can sense anything but peculiar smells.
  68. 68.
    Creepy boy realized he has been flirting with a queen.
    Inner monologue: score!
  69. 69.
    They have a hidden army?
    Look past the great plains with neatly cut grass. They have an army this big and no one found them?! The droids must really suck at searching.
  70. 70.
    Why do you bring a child to war?
    Shouldn't he have gone through some sort of Jedi initiation or basic training before going into battle? No? Uhm, ok! This logic does, however, match everything else Qui-Gon has done in this story.
  71. 71.
    Why is Jar Jar promoted to general?
    Let's review. He was cast out of the hidden city for being clumsy. He has been nothing but a pain and nuisance. He's not even a soldier. But he gets to control an army because he introduced his people's leader to Padme? This is very poor leadership and I wouldn't be surprised if they all die as a result.
  72. 72.
    Those horns!
    I don't know what it's supposed to be, but it looks like some kind of clay. That's probably what it is actually. Maybe it's Halloween and Darth Maul is going as horny.
  73. 73.
    Two against one is unfair.
    And with the amount of training these guys have it should be unnecessary. Go Team Sith!
  74. 74.
    Anakin joins the fight in space.
    1) Qui-Gon told him to stay in the cockpit, and he did. Fine. 2) Because Anakin built a pod-racer he can also fly this? What is that?! 3) Those goggles are meant to keep sand and wind out of your eyes and have absolutely no business being in this scene.
  75. 75.
    Anakin's autopilot doesn't make any sense.
    It takes him directly to the fight. How? There are other fighters going here, but there's no main control center to direct the ships. No one plotted in the coordinates for this particular spaceship. There are also several identical spaceships all around the planet, but the autopilot conveniently find the HQ right away. Not buying it, sorry not sorry.
  76. 76.
    How are no one freaking out about being on this ledge?
    Nerves of steel if you ask me. Looks cool though!
  77. 77.
    They have guns with grappling hooks because why?
    Because they apparently watched Batman and thought "Hey that looks nifty, let's put that on our standard issued guns." Good thing too because it was very convenient here.
  78. 78.
    This room makes sense for a spaceship, but not for a castle on the ground.
    Very curious as to what purpose this room has, if any.
  79. 79.
    These doors serve no purpose!
    The only thing they do is separate the Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Datth Maul. There is NO WAY big laser doors that open and close randomly does anything helpful. I guess they just needed a convenient device to kill Qui-Gon.
  80. 80.
    Jar Jar releases marbles of death.
    Merchandise? Does anyone play with marbles anymore? PS: this attack was slightly successful but also an accident. Jar Jar was trying to run away.
  81. 81.
    Droid army defeated by General Comic Relief.
    This tank is tilted to the side by one guy hanging on the turret? How has this army not been blown away by a gust of wind yet?
  82. 82.
    The queen walks into an obvious trap.
    Because she is actually tricking the bad guys, but that should also be fairly obvious. How did the villains not understand that if it seems too easy it might be a trap? Very few people are skilled at warfare in this movie. Also, the droids are missing their shields so why don't the soldiers just attack them when they're rolling over?
  83. 83.
    Anakin flies into the spaceship HQ with NO ONE STOPPING HIM!!!!
    How? He just flies in. No one even attempts to shoot him. What the hell? These guys deserve to be defeated.
  84. 84.
    I know you're watching your master die...
    But I can't stop looking at your 90s boy band haircut. Trying to give the rattail a comeback?
  85. 85.
    Anakin takes out HQ with a single shot.
    Why is it that taking out this single thing destroys a whole ship? How is this not guarded better? There are tons of energy shields around, but none here?!
  86. 86.
    Explosions in space
    No! This is all a chain reaction from Anakin's one lucky shot... Ok, I'm tired of this now.
  87. 87.
    Taking out the mothership kills all the droids.
    These droids really do suck.
  88. 88.
    This looks pretty bleak.
    For some reason Darth Maul is just taunting him while Obi-Wan is dangling here. Why isn't Darth Maul finishing the job?
  89. 89.
    Oooooh, that makes sense... Not!
    First, anyone who knows Star Wars knows that Obi-Wan survives this battle. So there's no real excitement. Second, Darth Maul lets Obi-Wan jump over him and summon Qui-Gon's lightsaber before (barely) reacting? What happened to his lighting fast reflexes?
  90. 90.
    I wish I knew how to quit you scene.
    Or something like that. Dying wish is that Anakin becomes a Jedi. Again, you doomed them all Qui-Gon!
  91. 91.
    New hairstyle?
    Seriously, make up your mind!
  92. 92.
    Obi-Wan goes back to Gotham planet.
    But why? Yoda is about to come to Nabu. You could have just waited. Obi-Wan takes Anakin as his apprentice even though he just graduated himself. Not the greatest decision from Yoda. Was it just because it was Qui-Gon's dying wish? Is that the type of emotional decision that Jedi shouldn't make?
  93. 93.
    They all rush back to Nabu for Qui-Gon's funeral.
    I think Obi-Wan could have emailed Yoda all the stuff from the previous scene and it would have been fine.
  94. 94.
    Final nod to who the Emperor is.
    PLEASE STOP BEATING US OVER THE HEAD WITH IT! WE GET IT!
  95. 95.
    Ceremony time!
    Why not end it like the first Star Wars movie so you think you just watched something you loved.
  96. 96.
    Jedi-in-training-with-mandatory-rattail-haircut.
    Ugh!
  97. 97.
    Peace marbel!
    Who cares if these people make their peace? It has already been established that they're fine! We see them for like 10% of the movie too.
  98. 98.
    Actually, this is the end.
    One final creepy look from a young women to a boy who is half her age. Ew.
  99. 99.
    Aftermath
    It was by no means good, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm actually glad I re-watched it because I missed so much the first time around. Like Darth Vader being Jesus Christ. Will I ever watch it again? Probably not.