this is the worst list ever. don't even bother. but, tell me honestly, which scenario is ok.
  1. what if I'm wearing boxer briefs under it?
  2. what if I keep it closed real tight?
  3. what if I suggestively open it a little bit? maybe while winking?
  4. what if I don't tie it at all?
  5. how about if I put it up over my head? bush is back in, I heard?
  6. it has a hood, that makes it ok, right?
  7. what if all my pants burned because of the lying I've been doing and I have nothing else to wear?
  8. I'm living in Greg Abbott's Texas, have no rights to my own damn body, gotta suppress the urge to violently explode on everyone, I can go then for the good of humanity? and my unwanted baby I can't terminate?
  9. but my mom bought it for me so, we're cool?
  10. can I cut it into a shorter robe and wear that?
  11. what if I'm wearing a skirt suit under it? comfort meets class?
  12. what if Donald Trump becomes president? can I wear it then? as a final hurrah before moving to Canada?
  13. so, I just had a green juice, feeling on fleek, then it's ok?
    I've never used the word fleek. I think my, likely, improper usage alone makes it ok.
  14. I'm avoiding handing out candy to children, my porch light is off, following all the rules of "stay away from here, children". that makes it good?
  15. just smoked a bowl, called an uber because responsible decisions, I can get into uber and through the line in a robe then, yes? because adult-ing?
  16. have the makings of a monster pimple on my chin, give me a break?
  17. may or may not be in a FB fight with a friend, no will to change because we're 31 years old and in a FB FIGHT. that's appropriate time?
  18. recently diagnosed with cat scratch fever, need a break from my feels, I can do it then?
  19. I can't put on pants, peeps. but so hungry.
    I need rules. and guidance. and fries.
  20. just lemme do it.
    but I'm afraid I'll get arrested when the 16 year old hands me my fries and sees me like this.