THINGS I WISH MY DOG WOULD TALK TO ME ABOUT

as someone living alone, sometimes I need a damn honest opinion or some nice conversation. so far, my dog has yet to deliver.
  1. 1.
    whether or not I look fat in this.
    I feel like my mirror is biased
  2. 2.
    why she's whining.
  3. 3.
    do I really need to vacuum.
  4. 4.
    if the answer to #3 is yes, do I HAVE to mop too.
  5. 5.
    how funny that thing I just said was.
  6. 6.
    did that fart come out of her or me
    I know the answer 92% of the time. I just want to hear what she thinks/how often she blames me when company is over.
  7. 7.
    how great is it to have someone feed you, pick up your poops, play with you, and make you snuggle them, even when you don't want to.
  8. 8.
    is he really just not that into me.
  9. 9.
    why would something that can have an intelligent conversation continue to lick her butt. am I just jealous about not being that limber.
  10. 10.
    why would she come inside, be totally excited about it, stare at me for five minutes straight then be totally excited to go back outside.
  11. 11.
    who's her favorite character on Bobs Burgers.
    I'm guessing Tina because they're both into butts. and Tina's my fave too.
  12. 12.
    when's the last time I went grocery shopping.
  13. 13.
    what's the deal with these weird chin hairs I got.
    why there keep being moar.
  14. 14.
    so many more topics, I'm sure.. this list is in no way exhaustive.