The Complicated Relationship I Have With My Hair

A Long Li.STy Tribute
  1. To start off, I keep my daily hairstyle simple... pulled back with some ties and fashioned into a pseudo-bun. Sopping wet or completely dry, it takes less than 5 minutes to accomplish.
  2. Literally the same hairstyle since high school (almost 20 years).
  3. I've used a hair dryer less than 20 times in my life. Products elude me. I shpritz a splash of hairspray to tame down the fly aways, but that's about it.
  4. I've been told by women who fancy their hair as more than an unfortunate evolutionary conundrum that I "don't love myself." Or I have "low self esteem"... or I don't feel like I'm "worth it."
  5. And maybe they're on to something, because I would LOVE fun wild freaky brightly colored shapey hair...
    (Because 19th century Hessian haus-frau is about as wild as I get.)
  6. However, roadblocks. So many roadblocks.
  7. First roadblock, my hair is THIN. Not fine... THIN. One magical day, after pilfering 100 bucks from my mom, a pep talk from my support group, a ton of hot and sticky treatments, and the services of a priest to exorcise the limp demon from my scalp, my hair once looked like this...
    ...for literally an hour. RIP Hour-Long Lasting Hot Person Hair:(
  8. Second, I'm lazy. Or at the very least, particular with my time. If I had a choice between torturing my follicles with heat and swearing for an hour, or, like... sleeping.... bring on the sleep. Considering my hair will go all Hair-ectile Dysfunction within minutes of a three hour beauty sojourn, the aggravation isn't worth it.
  9. Third... I'm broke! Would I rather spend the hundreds of dollars on serums, potions, heating devices, trims, touch ups, hot hair yoga, spring training, therapy sessions, vision quests and whatever else I need for attaining acceptable hair... or on the stubborn principal of my very scary student loan debt? Debt can suck it.
  10. Fourth... There is nothing as vile to me as loose hair strands. I hate their tickling, ghost-like feel, the squicky sensation of extracting a few wet ones from my asscrack in the shower, and how food is ruined FOREVER when mixed with a single, stretchy strand and saliva IN MY MOUTH OH GOD!!!
    /trying not to vomit
  11. (Which, on a related note, if you do this in the shower...
    THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU BURN THOSE NOW!!!! Ahhhhggg!!!!)
  12. Hair nearly tied back... No wayward ticklers. Bam.
    This is actual hell.
  13. FIFTH AND FINAL ROADBLOCK TO CUTE HAIR... the cowlick. Oooh, the cowlick. Bright pink scalp serpentines far beyond where my natural part is situated and peaks through any attempted hair style, but is especially brutal when my hair is not plastered back.
    (It might be actually be a glorified bald spot or a mark of some sort of prophetic beast. Who knows)
  14. So there we have it. My complicated relationship with my hair. Here's to 20 more years of The Sloppy Bun.