Things I Wish I Could Ask my Shrink...
...but can't because... you know... professional protocol, ethics, and all that crap. But I can't help but have a few curiosities regarding the woman who's been sorting out my brain for the last 9 years.
- •So what's YOUR trauma?You don't become a shrink for pure funsingtons. It's usually a calling inspired by events in your own life. Daddy issues? Mommy issues? Sexual trauma? Pathological fear of pandas stemming from toddlerhood? Ridiculous amounts of loss? ALL of these things? I'd love to know "the thing" that both haunts and motivates you.
- •Name a weird thing you HAVE to do to cope with life.We all have our oddities. For example, I can only poop in a public restroom if I think somebody else is simultaneously pooping. Solidarity, yo. OR... If I scratch an itch on my body that's on a part associated with another part, both parts MUST get scratched. Arms, legs, ears, boobs, etc. I can't leave the other appendage out of the scratching action, even without the itch. Life's already an unfair monster... gotta keep some stuff fair. WHAT IS YOUR WEIRD THING?
- •What scares the holy living shit out of you?After a long day of shrinking heads and easing other patients' irrational fears, what is the thing that makes YOU go, "Oh HELL no" and run screaming into the night? Extra points if it's some apocalypse theory and you're a secret doomsday prepper.
- •Do you sing in the shower?Just curious.
- •With all of the degrees, the years of Shrinking under your belt, the papers you've written that made other professionals swoon... do you still laugh at dumb humor?I'd love to know if you ugly-snort at Johnny Knoxville doing weird stuff to his balls circa 2001 or get drunk and guffaw at SpongeBob. Sure, it would take away some of the professional majesty that is your very character during our sessions... but I kinda dig the idea of you just being a weird human, too.
- •Marry, Fuck, KillFreud, Jung and Kinsey. Go!
- •How do you cope with your patients' traumas?I'm sure over the years, you've heard some soul-melting, hair raising, humanity-shunning shit come from very vulnerable people who look to you for healing. Does that stuff accumulate and you need a shrink? Do shrinks shrink other shrinks? Does a good ol fashioned cry into a pint of Chunky Monkey do the trick? HOW, DOCTOR? How do you cope??
- •Do you even like me?I know I piss you off sometimes when I call at the last second to cancel because "car issues" (or pure terror issues. Whatever) or if I don't do one of my many "assignments" and bemoan the fact that my lazy ass made no progress that week (don't think I didn't see that eyeroll). But at the end of the day, do you go home and think, "the sooner she's off my couch, the better!!" or do you smile at my progress but are kinda secretly sad that I will one day leave you forever?
- •Trump or Hillary?Scratch that... Don't wanna know.