Thoughts and Actions Upon Finding a Centipede the Size of my Foot in my Bathroom at 3:00am.

  1. /flips light on... Sees ambiguously shaped dark thing chilling on the side of the tub through the 3am eye crust.
    "What the Explicitive? How did the hairball from my brush paste itself onto the side of tub?"
  2. /screams like a soul in hell as "hairball" moves in frantic figure eights before disappearing into a small crack in our bathroom wall.
  3. /continues to scream while jumping up and down and flapping arms because I can FEEL IT ON ME, MAN!
  4. /grabs bottle of Lavender Febreze and sprays into the crack, still screaming.
  5. /sits shakily on the commode, pointing mostly empty Febreze bottle at the lavender scented Gate to Centipede Hell.
  6. /absorbs self into the droning ring of my ears for about five minutes. It's as though my brain is still screaming at the intrusive jerk-ipede.
  7. /furiously Googles "house centipede" while accomplishing the bladder evacuation goals established before the encounter with the aforementioned death-ipede.
  8. /learns that centipedes seek out dark, moist inactive areas.
    "I will sleep with panties on from this night forth."
  9. /screams violently as I feel something lightly touch my ankle.
    "It's just my other ankle."
  10. /returns to bed, using iPhone light to illuminate my footing and avoid my toes being mauled off by fuck-ipede's offspring.
  11. /begins to doze off after quiet reflection of the encounter... until I get a slight whiff of lavender ...
    "It found me."
  12. /weeps