Weird and Not-So-Weird Things I Want In Our Future House

Jeff and I are saving for a house... Here's a happy list of my household requirements.
  1. A small wall grotto
    You know, a place where I can put a battery powered light to shine upon a statue of the Virgin Mary or provide a shrine-like veneration spot for the bottle of sriracha?
  2. Church stuff
    Stained glass, a display for hundreds of red tinted votive holders that still carry the whispers of prayers of those who once lit the candles within, a lovely deacons' bench along the kitchen wall, Russian icons of saints, cloisters circling the parameter of the house with vaulted ceilings and access to the outdoors... maybe this needs its own list?
  3. PROPERTY!
    A yard! None of this condo bullshit. I want green stuff. Like a tree... I can't imagine how cool it is to own an actual tree.
  4. A nice porch
    I would like to acquire the status of Porch Crone. Therefore I need a porch, where I can watch the rain fall, wave at both neighbors and strangers while simultaneously talking shit about them under my breath, feed squirrels, and porch-sit my summer days away.
  5. A kitchen that's too damn big
    I want the kitchen to be the heart of my home. And it needs to be functional AF. None of these delicate doily counter tops. If I'm lifting a 500 degree, 30 lb Dutch oven from the flaming maw of my oven, I need to just be able to set it down without worrying "OMG IS THE GRANITE GONNA BE OK???" Butcher block or terra cotta, good people. And a billion cabinets.
  6. Reading nook!!!
    PILLOWS! A COMFY LEDGE! BOOKS!!! Pretty self explanatory.
  7. A rain oasis in the back yard
    I need to erect (heh... erect) some sort of shelter or folly in the backyard, jerry-rig chains of copper rain catchers to the structure, place some nice outdoor lounge furniture under the roof, and, therefore, have a place where I can be surrounded by the rain sounds and take a nap.
  8. A large shower...
    With two shower heads. And a built-in ledge to sit my leg on for shaving purposes. And preferable no wall or base to separate the shower from the rest of the room, to make cleaning as easy as possible.