Weird Stuff People Say To You When They Learn You Don't Want Kids and Some Snarky Retorts

Mr. Spouse and I don't want children. Apparently this makes people uncomfortable.
  1. "That's terrible! You were a child once, you know!"
    We were all children. I WAS a child. Hitler, Kim Jong Un, and Victoria Jackson were all also once children. Even wild geese, who are of Satan and will happily rip out your gallbladder if you get too close, grew from sweet, peeping fuzzballs. The point? Early development is a naturally occurring part of existence and not a reason to rent out womb space for 10 months. Work on that logic.
  2. "What if your mother never had you?"
    Well, then there goes a whole parcel of rats' asses that could never have been given, because a lack of conscious being is not conducive to the experience of feelings, including disappointment for never having existed.
  3. "You'd make GREAT PARENTS!"
    Don't underestimate my potential for eating my young when forced from my precious sleep... or provoked before my first pot of coffee... or after being exposed to one episode of Cailou. My legal counterpart once got mad at a VCR for eating a tape and Hulk-smashed it on the sidewalk. I'm sure we'd make excellent parents.
  4. "What kind of woman are you?"
    The kind of woman who sleeps in until 11 on weekends, has the freedom to leave at any point of the day for a falafel, and can freely give the spouse a magic carpet ride in the living room.
  5. "You'll never know the love..."
    True. Like a fairy tale witch or prophetic critter from the Book of Revelations, I am an emotionless hag who's never bonded with another human in her 33 years. Now leave me to my meal of fish heads and widows' tears.
  6. "Does your husband know?"
    Nope! 14 years together and nothing along the lines of blending our genes has ever been brought up.