HOW MEGHAN TRAINOR INVADED MY LIFE

  1. It all starts back in May of 2016
  2. This morning, actually
  3. My coworkers and I have a fifteen minute break each morning
  4. One girl had a stale bag of those heart candies that have words on them which she was trying to get rid of
  5. I pointed out that even when they weren't stale, the only good thing about those hearts was reading the little messages
  6. So we all sat down to read them all, and decided to write either a silly story or song with them
  7. SOME OF THOSE HEARTS ARE WEIRD, YOU GUYS
  8. "No way"
    What
  9. "Be true"
  10. "Kiss Me"
  11. "Don't tell"
    WHAT
  12. Somehow what we thought was funniest was any proposal ("marry me", "kiss me", "be mine") followed by "no way"
  13. We just started putting "no way" after everything and thought it was way funnier than it actually was
  14. "kiss me"
  15. "no way"
  16. "be mine"
  17. "no way"
  18. "no way"
  19. "marry me"
  20. So with this inspiration, as we went back to work, the girl whose hearts these ha been in the first place started to sing: "My name is: NO. My number is: NO. My sign is: NO."
  21. It was funny, maybe?
  22. But just that line of the song was stuck in my head for the rest of the day. I didn't know the rest of the song, although I know I'd heard it before.
  23. It was annoying, but catchy
  24. I thought it might be by Beyoncé
    Don't hate me!
  25. This evening I looked it up and was surprised to discover it was by Meghan Trainor
  26. That was good, I thought. I don't hate her.
  27. My respect for the song instantly increased
  28. I tried to watch the lyric version on YouTube to know what was going on, but I got a karaoke version with no sound
  29. So then I wound up on her vevo channel
  30. I didn't realize this was by Meghan Trainor, I thought. I wonder what else she's done since All About That Bass?
  31. I knew I had to be careful. I've been a closeted fan of All About That Bass for a long time
    Postmodern jukebox, anyone?
  32. I had to keep my guard. Not get sucked in
  33. So then I listened to every song on her channel.
  34. And when I listened to Me Too, I realized
  35. That song was about me.
  36. I liked it a lot.
  37. I like Meghan Trainor, I realized.
  38. Just like every other one of her songs.
  39. I am a Meghan Trainor fan.
  40. This is who I have become.
  41. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN ME
  42. I HATE MYSELF