THINGS I NEED TO BUY IN THE KNOXVILLE AIRPORT TO PREPARE FOR MY FIRST SOUTHERN WEDDING

  1. An iced coffee (does Knoxville do designer coffee?)
  2. Cough drops
  3. A pellet gun
  4. Eye drops so that I can shed authentic-looking tears tinged w southern sentimentality
  5. Contact lenses so that my tortoise shell glasses don't make me look like a New York Jew
  6. A neon orange Tennessee Volunteers jersey for the after party
  7. A suede vest for the after after party
  8. Pepto bismol for when the shrimp and grits gives me diarrhea
  9. Latest GQ so that when the shrimp and grits gives me diarrhea I have something to read on the toilet that reminds me of home
  10. A major attitude adjustment