Went on a great first date this Friday. While I waited to her response about date #2, this simple process helped ease my mind.
  1. Place the phone at least 10 feet away from you.
    It doesn't help to keep actively checking. If it rings, you'll hear it.
  2. Put it on "vibrate mode."
    In this fragile state, loud noises may cause extreme terror.
  3. Turn off the phone.
    Honestly, this one really helps. If she responds, it's not like you need to IMMEDIATELY know. In WWII, soldiers would wait months to hear from their loved ones. You're not defending anyone's freedom, you little content creator. You don't deserve this instant gratification. So turn off the phone. Not face down. Not airplane mode. OFF.
  4. Why did you put it on airplane mode? That is not the same as off.
    I'm so fucking serious right now. This is for your own good.
  5. Break the phone.
    Throw your phone against the wall as many times as you need to. Find out what this "Bendgate" fuss was all about. Bleed if you have to. Break it. Break the phone.
  6. Go to the FoxConn factory in China, pull the fire alarm, and blow up the building.
    This is where they make every iPhone, the device that is destroying your mental well being. If there's no way to text, how could you possibly be disappointed? The fire alarm is to save the workers. They are not the technology. They do not need to die. But if they show any sign of resistance, kill them with your bare hands. Man shall not fall victim to the machine.
  7. Eat a healthy snackie :P
    Pick a snack that's high in fat — the good kind! I recommend an avocado with a dash of salt.