1. a mutual friend introduced us and said we would be good together
  2. and i liked him the moment i saw him
  3. i think he liked me too
  4. so we slept together that night
  5. then we tried to date for a couple of months
  6. i was still in my party life phase so i might have embarrassed myself a few times
  7. but aside from that he seemed too much together. he had a routine and it was too important to him. i had no routine at all. i was all over the place.
  8. in the end i felt like his walls were too rigid and i couldn't really connect with him
  9. and yeah he might have seen me with my ex-holding hands.
  10. so we fell apart.
  11. i ran into him a few times. i felt awkward every time. even though he didn't do anything wrong i felt heartbroken.
  12. and i was kind of fascinated by his rigidity so i based a character on him in a book.
  13. he called me up a year later. asked about the bureaucratic process of applying for a phd program.
  14. i ended up telling him about the character in the book
  15. he asked me out i said i was busy
  16. the next time we ran into each other he asked me out again. i said yeah yeah sure we should meet up. but didn't make any real plans.
  17. then one day he called me and told me he'd be at a conference at my school. i met him for coffee.
  18. he told me i had inspired him to change his life.
  19. since then he's been calling, texting,e-mailing. sending me links of podcasts and apps i can use to write easier. and flirting. and asking out.
  20. but here is why i'm making this list:
  21. back when we were kind of dating, he cooked dinner for me one night. it was nice. but he was so tense he couldn't sit next to me on the couch, he paced nervously. and that day i felt rejected.
  22. and i know he is a good guy and he is so different from my exes.
  23. but there is this thing holding me back, saying it would be a waste of time, he couldn't open himself up.
  24. and i'm used to immediate connections and expressive men. i never had to open up a guy emotionally so i don't know how.
  25. but here is why i really am making this list. flirting with him makes me happy. and every time i see his name on my phone i lit up.
  26. so is it fear of heartbreak holding me back or should i trust that feeling inside that tells me this wouldn't work?