DR. FRANKENSTEIN'S LIST OF BODY PARTS TO ACQUIRE, IF I WAS HIS MONSTER

Igor, bring me...
  1. The torso of an offseason turn-of-the-century Bulgarian weightlifter
  2. The nose of a half-Jew who got a B+ in the genetic lottery
  3. The back of a retired anyone
  4. The butt of the guy in your office who looks good in khakis
  5. The forearms of a dad
  6. The calves of someone who spends a lot of time imagining what it would be like to be en pointe but can't run three miles
  7. The neck of a werewolf who is 2% into his change
  8. The penis of someone who took fencing classes at age 13
  9. The hands of someone with double-jointed thumbs so that this creation may never want for an ice breaker at parties
  10. Two feet
  11. The scalp of a person who is going bald, no he isn't, yes he is, that's just what a male hairline looks like, yeah a balding male hairline, I think you look fine
  12. The biceps of someone who just started P90X, but like JUST started
  13. The ears of someone whose formative teenage musical education was the official Smallville soundtrack
  14. The shoulders of a privileged white straight person
  15. The crystal blue eyes of an ideal Aryan man actually scratch that lets just go with black voids
  16. Your mother's mouth
  17. The elbows of someone who can do some blue runs on their snowboard
  18. The hands of a delicate clay sculptor who is currently eating ribs
  19. A brain
  20. No guts