NYC TIPS, FOR VISITORS AND TRANSPLANTS

A guide.
  1. Fifth Avenue runs right up the center of Manhattan. Any streets west of Fifth start with "West," any streets east of Fifth start with "Silly."
  2. If you see an attractive person walk past you on the street, don't whistle or say something demeaning. Toss a handful of everything bagel dust at them to indicate your desire to enter courtship.
  3. The clubs in the Meatpacking District are for tourists and bridge-and-tunnel riff raff. Try a cool cocktail bar or one of the bigger Crown Heights ritual sex sacrifices.
  4. Don't be afraid of the subway! It may seem intimidating, but it becomes intuitive. Just remember that the Green lines run up the east side of Manhattan, the Red lines run up the west, and everything else runs in a circular double-helix that connects Union Square to the Hellmouth in Sunset Park, on nights and weekends only
  5. New Yorkers walk quickly, we know. It's not that we're rude or in a rush, it's just a reminder that the packs of wild dogs have a keen sense for sniffing out the weak, and attack in packs after dark.
  6. Get yourself some pizza! Don't forget to do the signature New York Fold: fold it in half the long way, then the short way. Make the corners kiss, then bend down the edges to make the buffalo wings.
  7. Staten Island is a prank we play on newbies, don't feel bad if you fell for it.
  8. New York City is more than just Manhattan. There are five boroughs: Brooklyn You've Been To, Brooklyn You Haven't, White Queens, Queens and NYU Housing.
  9. It's okay to feel a little overwhelmed here. Just remember that it's called the Big Apple for a reason: because more apples are grown in Central Park than anywhere else in the world!
  10. This city is a melting pot filled with a million stories. One of those stories is that a guy died in his apartment and wasn't found for so long that he was entirely eaten by rats until nothing was left.
  11. No one cares about momofuku anymore