GLITCHES I'VE ENCOUNTERED

  1. automatic doors kept closing on me
    2007, A&P, skull mushed to paste. got reconstructive surgery by the guy who makes clay figures for Pixar. people often say they can see the 'Pixar influence' in my face shape
  2. saw myself 50 years older in reflection of TV
    2004, grampa yelling at me to get out of way
  3. Wheelchair stairlift accelerated to shoot me out of window
    2011, rest home lady said I shouldn't be fiddling with their equipment, I managed to respond Fiddle with This before being flung up a flight of stairs under like 32 G-force out a small window into a poorly maintained hedge
  4. Chuckie Cheese bears sung me happy birthday in slomo and I cried
    2002, actually they slo-moaned 'You've been a bad cub' again + again until a Chuckie Cheese person bashed in their mechanisms with a skee ball but I've been told not to go on the record with that
  5. Accidentally downloaded boob-a-day spambot
    2011, it would send me a picture of a single boob a day to my sbcglobal email address. I tried to unsubscribe but they just sent me lower definition JPEGs of boobs. Often the boobs were from primates other than humans (it was clear they were running out of boobs from whatever boob library they were working off of)
  6. Giant mall piano played funeral march every time I walked by
    1999. Didn't like that one bit. Even though I was a child then it seemed inappropriate
  7. Easy Bake oven melted all my dolls
    2001. Okay I know what you're saying, why does a 10 year old boy kid have dolls and an easy bake oven? well my dad got them for me for Christmas saying it was for 'the little princess of the family'. He would spend a lot of time in the backyard playing catch with a bounceback net after Reynaldo my younger brother got electrocuted peeing on an electric fence w his gang
  8. car disappeared into a black hole
    2015, driving up this mountain at night, when I woke up I was in the roof of someone's barn and strange figures were yelling at me. I ran away and never looked back