List Club; A Novel.

With apologies to Chuck Palahniuk.
  1. We're on the top floor of the Parker Jotter building, and we're going to write a list about the building. The list won't really be about the building. Oh, the building will be in the list, but it's really about the Starbucks inside the Ink Museum across the street. That the real subject.
  2. People are always asking me if I know The List App. Believe me, I was there when The List App was released.
  3. Pens are used to write movies which are shown from projector rooms. Pens sometimes edit scenes out, and write those scenes into other films. The human eye cannot catch this editing. I know this because li.st knows this.
  4. We have a job, writing menus (basically lists of food) for catering companies. The things we write on these menus...if I were ordering off one of these lists, I would not get the clam chowder.
  5. The first time I wrote a list was on an airplane. My job is to write reports. In ink. Believe me, I know where all the ink is kept; it's sort of my job security. Anyway, on that plane is where I met li.st.
  6. You write a note at Sea-Tac. You wrote a report at Newark. You write a list in LAX.
  7. If you erase a memo in JFK, can you make it into a list in Sky Harbor?
  8. The first time I wrote a list, I was on a beach, naked. Sometimes all you can ask for from life, is one minute of a perfect list.
  9. I came home to find my apartment was gone. I called a friend and we met at a bar and got drunk. He said I could stay with him, but he had a favor to ask. "I want you to li.st me as hard as you can."
  10. This is how I came to list with li.sts.
  11. If you want to make nitroglycerin or soap, I have a list about how to do it. Writing a list about Paraffin Wax has never, ever Trended for me.
  12. I went to my doctor because I hadn't been able to li.st for weeks. He told me to go to the basement of the Sharpie building, and see the people who only write lists about cancer.
  13. In that basement I met Big Novak. Big Novak held me while I wrote my first Trending list. After that, I felt like all of my lists were Trending.
  14. Until AnyList came in. Faker. Tourist. Groceries! I can't write li.sts with AnyList around.
  15. Now we've got a little list triangle going on. AnyList loves me. I love li.st. Nobody loves AnyList.
  16. List Monkeys are all over the place. One List Monkey is slapping a list on another List Monkey, yelling lists at him.
  17. List Monkeys are sitting on the floor, listening to someone read lists aloud, like they're at the Baltimore List App Meet-up. I know these lists.
  18. They all look at me. I say "Go ahead. Read the list. I've seen these lists. 'A Guy Hit on ME in Costco.' 'Two Birds Are Better Than One' I know these lists."
  19. The List Monkeys just look at me. One of them asks me, "Do you know li.st?" I smirk and say "Never heard of it. Is it for groceries?"
  20. I've got a job, writing lists at a Murder Mystery fundraiser dinner. The mayor says he's going to shut List Club down. We pull him into the bathroom, and tell him "We control the lists. Shut us down and you'll never see a grocery list again. You won't remember if your wife wanted you to pick up milk or butter. Can you live with that?"
  21. Mr. Mayor says List Club can stay. Mr. Mayor is an idiot. He only knows how to write grocery lists.
  22. You write a list in Denver International. You write a list in O'Hare. I wake up writing a list somewhere over the Great Lakes.
  23. If you draft a list on approach to Sea-Tac, can it be published at Dulles?
  24. I wake up in a hotel in Seattle. Li.St is open, my phone in my hand. Many, many drafts have been published. I wonder how this can be.
  25. I look in the mirror and my thumb is wavering over Publish on yet another Draft. I say "Does this mean...?" and I answer "That's right. You can try to stay awake, but the second you fall asleep, I will Publish the shit out of every weak, half-assed list you've ever written. You will never Trend again."
  26. You know how they say you only hate the lists you Publish too soon? Well it works both ways. Early Publishing without editing hates you, too.
  27. Sometimes I think I'm just writing grocery lists after all.